Donuts, Aquarius, and The Shadow – Dancing with the Echoes of Eternity

Grief and the shadow have been staring me down. I’m seeing patterns, and more and more, time feels less linear to me, spherical, maybe even donut-shaped.

Addiction, alienation, secrets, power, sexuality, envy, fear – the stuff we keep hidden – I’ve been circling around the subjects and diving through. I feel like I’ve been breaking past human darkness and into something more brilliant and magnificent, something that reverberates beyond my body, beyond space, and beyond time.

Jung saw the shadow as “the seat of creativity.” What if we looked at the shadow differently? What if we if we looked at the shadow as the hidden part of ourselves that is the cosmic hyper-dimensional being that is who we are in eternity – and – what if we take that part of ourselves and integrate it into our consciousness? Shadow as the Infinite Self, rather than the lowest aspect of our being. Or, if we look at the polarity of the shadow – the lowest part must also includes the highest part.

Check out Mama Maga’s video below. She is right in synch with how I’ve been thinking about the shadow and about time lately. She’s discusses the Aquarian view of the Shadow. Our perception of reality can open or close doors to how we view and experience our lives.

Mama Maga asks, “Is the great aspect of you your shadow?” and, “How is the energy in your nervous system transforming?”

The collage below is from Tribal Donut, Issue 1, 1991, page 9 – San Francisco. I view it as incredibly Scorpionic, a way of looking at the shadow as self through creative play. The collage artist was a friend of mine at the time – Jason Keehn (a.k.a. Cinnamon Twist). The creative play I experienced in the 90s was exquisite, and I feel as if those creative doors are opening again. I feel this beautiful (and sometimes scary) part of my past is echoing into my future . . .

tribal donut page 9_cinnamon twist_shadow

Excerpt from Tribal Donut (pages 5 and 6):

Tribal Donut—somewhere between dolphin pod, sufi halka, magikal circle . . . without gurus or masters, or rather, where anyone  & anything can be a source of revelation; where each of us is both student and teacher to each other at different times; where the formal intitiatic hierarchy is dissolved into a movement of learning from one another and from life.

No program, no predefined goal, no rules: call it a kind of experiment in kaos magick.

A signal in the cracks of your so-called waking world, a blip of that way rad akashic musick-video you glimpsed yourself in your wildest, most luminescent luminous dreams . . .

A psychick postcard from the city on the edge of forever, beamed out on the pulse of Love to tomorrow’s friends . . .

Simple premise: Nobody is going to create your utopia for you. (Sidestepping here the aspect of Utopia as dead perfection). Do It Yourself. It may be small, it may be fragmentary, it may be evanescent, and the going may not be very easy, but what else is there to do? What are we here for anyway?

Finished listing excuses for why things are they way they are. after all the obstacles and inertia and “forces of oppression,” there remains a fundamental openness waiting to find channels through which it can remake itself/be remade . . . Count up the untold horrors and pains and ugliness wrought by domesticated primates on each other & their world; try to change it: struggle yes—but do you really know what you are up against, & just how deep it runs? . . .Maybe to truly take responsibility for your own life—as opposed to taking on the weight of the world when you can’t even clean up after your own mess, ‘internal’ or ‘external’—is to see that there’s really nothing preset: so assume your freedom, and out AND PLAY.

And why not create something as radically different as possible from all the dismal and abusive routines of civilization while you are at it . . .??

Uptown Funk Friday

It’s Friday! Time to get funky!

This video makes me smile every time I see it.


Yoga and Bicycles Will Save the World – Redux

I found out who created the graphic below! Her name is Rebecca Wilson – she is a graphic designer and has a groovy website/online shop called Yoga Will Save the World featuring limited edition clothing and calendars and other items for the yoga and bicycle lover in your life.

So glad she reached out! I love her stuff.

I’d say this about sums up my life for the last two decades – and I’ve loved bicycles since I was first brave enough to ride. (Now if only I could do that posture on my bicycle . . . )


yoga will save the world


Sun in Scorpio – Second Chakra Sunshine


The Sun is in Scorpio now, and things can get really intense. Scorpio is known as a deeply sexual and psychological sign – so our physical, emotional, and mental energies may be building up at this time around the second chakra. With the Sun shining on Scorpio, our shadow side gets lit up. What “hidden” aspects of yourself are beginning to surface?

My friend and reiki teacher, Geordie Numata says this about the current vibrations of  Sun in Scorpio:

With the Sun in Scorpio, we want to get down to the bottom of things, even if it means dragging old rotting skeletons out of the closet. Our Scorpio passion wants to go all the way and isn’t afraid to do whatever it takes to get there. Scorpio is the most masculine of the feminine water signs because it’s passion is hot and it wants to penetrate into the depths of the mysteries (before Pluto was discovered, Mars was assigned to Scorpio). It’s a time when we can get insights into stuff that has stumped us in the the past, but most importantly, It’s a time of regeneration when can let go of the old so we rebirth ourselves into the new. Yes, it’s time to clean up our act now so lets discard everything that no longer serves. Let’s purify and simplify so can fly free into the rarefied ethers of philosophical contemplation when the Sun enters Sagittarius and then plunge into the depths of meditation after the Winter Solstice when the Sun enters Capricorn.

We have so much more freedom now since the massive Blood Moon Total Eclipse purge in September. It’s time to move forward!

Death of the Sunflowers (c) 2015 Holly TroyScorpio is also the time when things die in the Northern Hemisphere. Death can be literal, or it can be a letting go. What do you need to let go of in order to move forward in your life?

If your energy is feeling stuck, why not get it moving with the gentle exercise in the video below? If your lower back feels tight, this is a good stretch. If you just need calming, it’s soothing physically and mentally.

I made this video a few years ago for one of my original Writing the Energetic Body online workshops.

By the way, I’ll be releasing an entirely new online course format in early 2016 – stay tuned!

Thanks for reading,


A little help from my friends and Ram Dass

It was the summer when I was 18 that I moved to San Francisco on a whim. I had spent almost a year living on the streets in New York City and found that there was no going home after that. (I tried for a few months – and was painfully reminded of why I left). I wanted a fresh start, so when my friend Joe asked me if I would go to the west coast with him, I said “yes” and the next day we were in a car and on the road.

The transition to San Francisco was more difficult than I expected it to be. I thought California was sunny everywhere, but when we arrived – San Francisco was cold and rainy –  I cried and cried! We were two kids completely alone and unprepared for this new place that was very different from New York City.

Our first employers and our best friends there were David and Devon, a lovely couple who were tragically beginning to be very sick with ARC (AIDS Related Conditions). They were dying. Our hearts were breaking. Before we met David and Devon, it took us both some time to get work, so of course, our money ran out and we ended up living out of our car for a few weeks.

And the wheel keeps spinning (c) 2014 Holly Troy

And the wheels keep spinning . . .

I remember talking to my mom on the phone while we were living out of the car, and I told her everything was fine. I wanted her to not worry about me, but I was also afraid that if I spoke about my situation, I would not have the strength to move past it. I knew that if I stayed focused on getting work and a place to live that it would happen. (And of course, it did).

By the second or third month in San Francisco we were finally starting to make some money. We moved into a dingy 28-day-stay residential hotel off of Market Street near the Castro District. It was a place to sleep and that was all. In the evenings, while Joe was working at David and Devon’s store, I would go to the basement of the shop and snuggle up in a blanket by the furnace and read books.

Being poor and not knowing many people, I spent a good deal of time at the library. Finding the library doors locked one day was a shock! It was shortly after the quake of ’89 (1989 Loma Prieta earthquake) and the city had shut down all of its libraries to save municipal funds during the emergency. I had to do something, so I explored the city and found a glorious, gigantic, used book store. I spent hours in that store! It was heavenly. I browsed every section—I could not help myself. Though I barely had any money, that day I bought three books – The Man Who Fell To Earth, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and a curious looking purple-covered book called Be Here Now. I remember thinking, Ram Dass, isn’t he one of those guys who did stuff with Timothy Leary? I don’t know why, but I should know this. I should know all of these books.

Looking back, I am glad I bought the three books together – they all had a profound affect on my imagination and life experience. The simple message and playful design of Be Here Now was a necessary juxtaposition to the heaviness of the other two books. I think ultimately, Be Here Now turned out to be a primer for the deeper Vedic and yogic studies that were to be a part of my life in the years ahead. I played with the ideas in that book – and it was a playful book – even though I didn’t understand it completely, I just knew it was good – like play – and was able to find some peace. My now-ness was intense, but I was right there with it. Somehow I knew everything would be ok.

That was a long time ago – but what a time!

I am finding that the older I get, the more open my heart is becoming. With the capacity to feel love also comes a greater capacity for grief and pain. Loss doesn’t get easier, but it shifts.

This lecture by Ram Dass helped me with the grief I’ve been going through not only from the death of my sister, but also the end of a deep love relationship. It is difficult to describe the waves of sorrow and and anger that have passed through my body over this last year and in particular these last few months. What struck chords with me in Ram Dass’s lecture (besides the message of love – which it all boils down to anyway) were these messages: Who is to say anyone dies too soon? Who is to say anyone’s path is the wrong path?

My Beauties! (c) Holly Troy 2015The end doesn’t make the experience any less valuable. I keep finding that as my painful feelings settle, there is an underlying expansive feeling of love. Sometimes that feeling is heartbreaking, but when the heartbreak opens up it is radiant and boundless. It’s like seeing the Divine in everything, it’s so beautiful it hurts, and yet, once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

Eventually, if you can stand to keep looking, the hurt turns to bliss.

Kali Ma (and the Moon)

Astrologers are saying a lot of letting go with this Libra New Moon today – a closing of the lunar eclipse from the end of September.

What was revealed to you that you can let go of now?

“Don’t give a little bit and then take it back . . .”

Make some space to let new things in. Make some space to let Love in. Make some space to let Truth in. Let it in so you can let it out. Simple, but maybe not easy.

Oh, Beautiful Ram Dass. Om Shanti, Om.

Ram Dass - photographer unknown

Ram Dass – photographer unknown

do it, be it, live it with love

I needed to see this today, and I can bet I am not alone.

Excerpt from the film, Angel-A, written and directed by Luc Besson.

My friend Bradley Olsen shared the video. He is a beautiful writer as well as a psychotherapist with a “particular interest in Jungian Analytical Psychology and Mythological Studies“. He wrote: This is what’s missing in our culture right now; genuine, deep, frightening, painful, vulnerable love. Love of others and of self. I’m afraid we’ve mistaken narcissism and inflated egos for genuine love. What a lovely film clip.

Our culture is in a sad state. A boy died at the university where I work yesterday. He was shot and killed by another boy. I wrote this to a friend: At first when I heard the news I went into a spin about how kids are being turned into numbers/consumers who are taught how to be automatons trained to produce and consume in a disconnected world rather than human beings who are [loving] creative critical thinkers – and how maybe that is why there is so much more violence on campuses (and in general in this country).

This disconnect really comes down to love. It is this simple beautiful thing that is taught out of us, starved, beaten, bankrupted, neglected, withheld, smothered, abused, sexualized, homogenized, marginalized, advertised, commercialized, trivialized, sterilized, dehumanized out of us.

We have to stop hiding it. We have to let love out so we can let love back in.

Giving and receiving love is our birthright.

Thanks so much for reading and viewing.

Have a beautiful, peaceful, love-filled day (and life)!


I took this photo a few weeks ago while visiting the spot where I spread my sister's ashes. I'd been feeling so much grief, so much weariness, so much loss over the last few months. Finally, I let the space embrace me. The trees, the grasses, the earth, the stones - and my sister's spirit, too - all there offering support. If you have no one to hug, hug a tree. Hug the earth.I took this photo a few weeks ago while visiting the spot where I spread my sister’s ashes. I’d been feeling so much grief, so much weariness, so much loss over the last few months. A lot of crying, a lot of cleansing tears.

Finally, I let the space embrace me. The trees, the grasses, the earth, the stones – and my sister’s spirit, too – all there offering support.

If you’ve got no one to hug, hug a tree. Hug the earth. A little love goes a long way.