Where does the time go? Yesterday I was so blue about all the time I spend at work – 45 hours a week. After the day is over I feel like I have nothing left. I work hard. No creative energy/stuck physical energy = no good. I have to move my body to push the sadness out.
Tom told me I’d feel better after a ride, and of course, he was right. It wasn’t too cold – we did hill repeats (I did three, he did five) up a very steep street by the railroad tracks. Endorphins and exhaustion are often good remedies for anything that ails me. My legs hurt today.
I looked at the full moon last night and thought about painting and writing, and how when I was in a band I managed to paint and write and rehearse and work and go to school – and now – I am lucky if I can squeeze out maybe an hour of writing a day, go to work, and ride my bike. (Of course, when I was capable of juggling so much, I was about twenty years younger and I lived in New York, and, I had a creative community where feedback was immediate so the work was energizing). I asked the moon to give me the strength and energy to follow through with my creative ideas while still having time for relationships and work.
When I ride I get clarity on things. Last night it became clear to me that I am afraid that if I have a career as an artist (and/or writer), I will not be able to maintain a love relationship. That fear has got to go! For me, career is part of my identity. Since last spring, I’ve stopped pushing creative work; I’ve been reevaluating what is important to me. Mostly, I’d rather cook and enjoy a shared meal, or stay in bed lying close to my man, than carve out the time for art. It’s been good to relax, though sometimes I feel like I’ve found myself in the middle of deep water with no land in sight. Maybe I am overfilling the well!
The longing to create is surfacing. “What next?” is the big question – why does it scare me? How do I make art a fun part of my life again?
Today I feel more open and hopeful. I feel alright about acknowledging the things that need balance and improvement – now I can take action. I edited the final three poems in a manuscript I’m submitting to a writing program. Two were attempts I began while taking a class with Nada Gordon at the Poetry Project, and another was from a journal entry.
And now I am taking baby steps. I came across two affirmations yesterday that are working for me:
There is always enough time for everything.
Everything happens in the right time.
I made this one up:
I surrender all fear to the healing power of love.
“What next?” is going to be fun.
Of course I can’t look ahead without looking back. I made a video a few years ago to go with some basic tracks of a song I recorded with my 90s band, The Halfbreeds. It’s a cover of Roky Erikson’s Slip Inside This House. The band was recording an album, when the project came to a halt. We never released it, nor got past basic tracks. This is a reminder that I don’t ever want to leave a creative project unfinished again.
So, on I go to, “What next?”