Figuring out the FLow

my new guitar!

It is starting to feel like autumn here – leaves are changing and their dry scent is in the air. 

It feels like things are moving in slow motion, energy is low, and there is more looking back than there is looking forward. I’m trying to get used to the pace, and often failing. Something is shifting though, I’m not sure where/what I am trying to get to so quickly. I’m trying to let this be a meditation now.

I’m future-oriented. I don’t know if I am going to be able to stay in Flagstaff, or if I want to stay here. We’ve been looking to move to a different rental home, but most places that are nice are short-term now – and – pricey! I might feel differently once we are able to gig again. Playing with my band is great, and that would be hard to leave. With my low energy, I really have to push myself to bike (which I do), but it’s a challenge.

I am looking at some possible health reasons for the low energy, too – a slight thyroid imbalance. I’m sure it’s a combination of things. 

Is it collective inertia? Are we all tired of worldwide events? Domestic events?

Ok, I will say that being American with our current president is wearing me down. The daily dose of gaslighting, vulgarity, bullying, projection and abuse is astounding. I left home at 16 for the same behavior. And my marriage. It took some hard lessons, but, if you show me who you are, I believe you. No more benefit of the doubt when it comes to maltreatment in any form. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s not. Period. I think abuse is a collective problem possibly coming to a head and playing out in our politics. A theory anyway. And it comes back to questions of power – and what we believe power actually is.

Getting together with the Lofi Sofias is going to slow down – probably by the end of this month. Jessica and I get together and workshop songs, but the rest of the band is up for outside rehearsals only. Jessica is part of my pandemic pod I suppose. It’s a highlight of my week, playing guitar with her, and I don’t see many people outside of my house but for the folks who work at the local Natural Grocers. 

Last night Jessica and I worked out harmonies to a new song called Hungry Ghosts. I love the sound. I love the way we work together. 

For months, I slowly saved a few dollars a day, and finally bought a Telecaster. This one is more middle-of-the-road, not the cheapest nor the most expensive. The price jumped about $1300 for a next-level lefty. I’m really happy with my guitar, and I feel much more inspired to play. I had no idea how fun it could be to rock out with guitar. It’s like a shield in a way, I never realized how naked it can feel to just sing. 

Paul and I have been working on new songs. It is work, but it’s fun. A couple of weeks ago, we visited some neighbors and gave them a back yard concert. One of the themes I’m hearing is people are really missing live music. I miss it.

I miss getting together at a cafe with friends and writing. Working. I noticed one of my coffee shops has open tables outside – I may start going there just to get out of the house and feel the energy of people. At least the people at cafes. Creative energy bubbling.

Moon Flowers, oil on canvas, is moving to Oregon.

Another one of my paintings has found a new home. Now there is one in Maine, one in San Diego, two in Flagstaff, and the latest is going to Oregon. I wish I could travel with them – maybe when the pandemic is over I’ll be able to hand-deliver some of my work. Book some gigs around the trip! That would be fun. Some music and teaching live workshops. Next year. Next year.

It’s time to get back into the studio and paint.

And now that I have been making art and music and teaching some and doing tarot for a living for a little over a year now – I think I cannot turn back, I think I cannot give in to going back to a day job (not that there are any available anyway).

I started very young, making art and selling it, making music and performing, and being a paid writer. The first time I played at CBGB’s I was sixteen years-old, and the last time I played, the last show I ever played for fourteen years, was in 2003. I was 32 years old. When the music stopped, the creativity stopped. I am now a late bloomer I suppose – but all of that experience is there – even with a fourteen year gap. It’s still fun, it’s still feels meaningful, and I still work hard at it. I like working at creating things.

Art is not a luxury. Art is essential. Its purpose is to reflect, convey, express the beauty and the struggle of what it is to be human. Amanda Palmer inspires me with her courage, compassion, and vulnerability. Today I listened to the first episode to her Podcast – The Art of Asking Everything, and I feel reinvigorated to keep on going.  All the good stuff is there – art, spirituality, feminism, humanity. I love the title – Bullshit is Everywhere – and of course, the conversation is amazing.

I am also inspired by many bloggers – at the moment deeply inspired by the art of photographer/journalist John Wreford, poet/writer/collagist Nick Reeves, and architect/tarot/psycho-spiritualist/philosopher Jordan Hoggard.

Ok! Time to do my scales. Thanks for reading!

Holly

Header image: thumbnail sketch I call North Node.

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I'm a rock-n-roller poet who left the Big Apple for the Big Sky Desert where I've been letting it be and grooving with universal love, singing to the gods, dancing with the muses and bicycling with dreamtime messengers. I like altering my reality through imagination, movement, breath, and makin' stuff.

13 thoughts on “Figuring out the FLow

  1. Ohhhhhh, the synchronicity. First off, I bow in reverence to your accolade. Thank you, Holly.

    It’s relatively confirmed now that I had Covid in late January/early February. The fluid in the lungs, the lying on my stomach for 3 days to hang my lungs to be able to force gasps of air in. The 3rd day, where severely weakened I would try to half-plank up on my elbows, rest of body down the floor, and coordinate quick push-up drops to slam my lungs open to gulp a gasp of air. The 2 weeks after feeling sluggish like I had been hit by a truck, and 3 weeks later, not back to anywhere near 100%, it came to me that something wasn’t right. WIth my health. WIth my primary source of income. I scheduled a sizable battery of blood tests. Liver testing, heart, lungs, etc, etc. 22 vials of blood. I smiled just now going, DOOD, Tarot Blood Tests! Shaking head. What came out of that? My Lymes antibodies from 4 years ago were almost gone, and I had a B12 deficiency. So, I picked up B12, Rosemary Supreme, COQ10, and Oregano oil capsules. I opened out of a 5-year Tarot and Astrology radio silence. 30 days later, the 3/19 shutdown happened. I wonder if B12 Would help higher energy to run the tach up to downshift to your new fall pace?

    ConGRATS on the Telecaster! SaWEET.

    And, from what I hear and see and feel from especially this post and even moreso from your paintings you’ve shared… — Thank you by the way —. I see 8 Primary Eyes in them. Spider. Mother of the Universe energy? Empress, the Yoniverse from which all emanates. Your tone sounds Rx — Retrograde — and hearing the deep bassy chords of that voice resonate in the gut, it feels that like an Rx larger planet, you yourself resonate as Rx. Planted. Emanating. And, impatient as hell as you are driven, future-driven, and actionable.

    What came to me recently is a similar “over the last year” quality of I cannot turn back, and further in March decided to protect the freshly born ImaginAction like a parent does a newborn. What came to me last month was, “maybe my life’s not about to fall apart in this mess I am experiencing. Maybe I am simply not used to it falling together so synchronously.” Adjustment and adaptability later inspecting my expectations rather than going with the tried and true of what I know…. I’ve almost live a year in the last 3 weeks. And, what a grand year.

    Bob Place — The Alchemical Tarot — told me a great story about The Hermit at Readers Studio 2009 about his intent on The Hermit seeing his own footsteps in his Hermit card Image. I will expand that here into a meditation for you: Visualize The Hermit, in the darkness. He takes his 1st to steps over the threshold, initiating himself into this cycle. He stands there in the mud, feet side by side. He balances. He syncs. We steps forward into the unknown. Now, Rip Van Winkle sleep The Hermit’s cycle. He goes around the world. And, one night he comes to a place that feels like a place of Sacred Power. The sky is cloudy. The stars, eclipsed by the clouds, and there is no moon. Darkness. He feels what he feels, though, and listens, though fully blind. He sits. Sleeps. And, in the morning when he opens his eyes to the light he looks over wondering ‘what place of power could stop my cycle like that?’ He rolls over and up sitting to look in the direction he was going when he reverently stopped the night before. He looks down. Before him are two footprints. They are his from his start. Now, though, they are not squishy in mud. Their space has cured in the hardened earth. They are foot-shaped-negative space cornerstones PTO brace against. He steps into his own footsteps as if Shoes of the Earth gifted by his own Nature left to cure properly. His whole body cascades in ablution tingles As he steps into his own steps. His being vibrates in resonance as he steps out of them to stand in front of them. He protects and cherishes his past. Though, now? Now, he pauses as you have. He pauses to listen. ‘Certainly, this is the way. For things that cannot be certainly now are.”

    You, Holly, are a Hermit with a Telecaster. From what I know of you, I’d say that’s like the Dalai Lama with a 20-piece Tama double-base kit. Or, Terri Bozzio in a pinch. 🙂

    Kudos to your paintings making their way around the world. I hope you travel to places they haven;t, and they simply send you postcards from places they have. It sounds like you are walking and driving differently. Have adapted. Have grieved differently. Heck, we all grieve differently, and differently each time, though you… you sound like you’re listening clearly. It’s Fall, and the wind whispers, “go you. you hear us. go you, Holly. go you.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. my gosh – I’m gonna respond to this – it is going to take a day or two – just had a battery of tests this morning. B12 is already an issue! I give myself shots about every other week. 🙂 I could probably up those shots – used to be two a week. Anyway – on my way to dialing it in, I hope.

      Glad the Lyme’s is backing down. Anyway – more soon! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Jordan – I am sorry you had covid and I am so glad you are OK!!

      22 vials – ha! Hero’s Journey indeed – last Thursday or Friday I had four vials taken – the elementals. That was in addition to the three I had a few weeks ago. I had to go back to get more tests cuz they forgot to do some – and so while I was back I said – let’s add some more. COQ10 is some great stuff – I always forget about it! Hopefully in the next week or so I will have an appointment with my doc. I feel like I have been dragging on this issue for months and months – as my doc had maternity leave and no one is seeing patients if they don’t have to. Small town stuff.

      I am trying out some Ayurvedic stuff on my own. I am Pitta – currently with a Kapha imbalance. Been doing some remedies for about a week now – at least I feel happier. Not sure if it’s the medicinal herbs or Pluto and Saturn joining Jupiter direct. I also like when the sun is in Libra – 10th house highlights make me happy!

      I was recently processing some familial news that knocked me off my feet – quite literally lost energy. Figuring out how to put that stuff into words, holy moly. This stuff traces back to my childhood, my potential, and how things actually turned out. Chiron in 4th House has the stage and is in the final act. Last night the latest, my youngest sibling tested positive for covid – and she had been taking care of my Mom who is disabled, and my aunt – who was taking care of mom until she had a heart attack about a month ago. My eldest sister was also helping out – so we are awaiting three tests. And there is nothing I can do but wait it out. And, even so, there is nothing I can do anyway. So much forgiveness has happened over the last few years – and now – another layer.

      So maybe that Kapha energy is trying to get me grounded for all that has happened and is unfolding and all that will happen. Trying to take the best and leave the rest.The latest family crisis is out of my hands. Though, I am sending reiki – so hopefully some soothing channeled through my hands. 🙂

      I certainly feel like a Hermit with a Telecaster!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Big WOWs, Holly. That’s quite an active and intense landscape and ocean to swim in. Yes, on the Kapha for grounding, and additionally I would make a suggestion to take that rockin’ gig one more step. Grounded, then allow it to be a cornerstone you brace against like Shiva to Kali, so NO loss of power when you engage. 🙂

        Hermit with a Telecaster. 🙂 I wonder if Hermit’s invented the guitar solo for concerts? 😉

        And, thank you for the well-wishes about me being better. I wouldn’t wish those 3 days And 3 weeks after on anyone.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Holly,
          Sending life-vibes (filtering out the Covid and Lymes 🙂 ) to you and your family. That is such an unfortunate cascade of event. Heartfelt wishes for the strength of their health.

          And, I just had the coolest Archetype/Symbolic Image of the Unmoved Mover flash in and stick around a while. You, you on your mountain bike, feet stuck to pedals, feet going nowhere, though legs circling (ellipsing), though you’re basically just sitting there on the seat as if you are stationary. I mean your feet aren’t leaving the ground of your pedals and you’re sitting down, so how COULD you be going anywhere, though there you are flying down the trail on a Trek (or other brand) VII Chariot. You, on your bike AS the Kapha grounding. Dynamic rubber meets the road mountain bike tire grounding. Bicycling in the sky like ET comes to mind, though I think that may just be the sales tax on the vision as it rested away. 🙂 I have never thought about Aristotle’s unmoved mover relative to a mountain bike being a VII Chariot or V Hierophant throne before. It just brought some magic and wonderment into the bike like a kid watching a butterfly.

          Kapha Ground with the mountain bike. I’m just nodding and smiling, what a cool imagistic story I just experienced. Gotta love the magic of the psyche.

          Best to you and your family. I’ll send energy as well.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Oh! Thanks, again.

            My bike – get this – the name is SOMA! So many meanings with that one.

            I just got back from a little town cruise bike ride – it was good to roll and sweat. Now to work!

            Take care! Holly

            Liked by 1 person

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