108 Days of American Sentence – Day 17

How do people believe in a Loving God, yet live so full of fear?


buddha sunning himself © Holly Troy 2014

Emotions and Mind/Body Connection Illustrated

I found this chart from the site Collective Evolution regarding the energy centers of the body and (some) emotional/mind connections.


If I weren’t afraid vs. If money were no issue

At the beginning of the month, I posted 30-Day Challenge – If I Weren’t Afraid. Basically, the post was a challenge to look in the mirror and finish the phrase, “If I weren’t afraid . . . ” over and over again for three minutes, then choose one of the things that you said you would do if you weren’t afraid and do it.

Immediately, someone asked me, “Shouldn’t the question be – If I weren’t broke I’d . . .” A few days later, a dear friend of mine messaged me with this, I do challenge you to really answer the question ‘if money were no issue…’ cause though what you said is good and true, there is also a huge Holly Vanidevi that I know who might have some more creative answers to this.

I have thought about this for weeks. To repeat over and over again, “If I weren’t broke . . . ” is an affirmation to being poor, which is then an obstacle the mind has to get over before it can make an intuitive leap to what it really wants to do. It can be a defeat before you even get anywhere. (Believe me, when you are trying to figure out how to afford a can of beans, it is really hard to imagine all the great things you can do when you are starving).

Might as well go back to bed . . . 

look yourself in the eye (c) 2013 Holly TroyThe point of saying, if I weren’t afraid . . .  is to check in with your spirit, to get past your private fears, maybe to admit things that you want for yourself that you may be afraid to admit, or perhaps weren’t aware of. Admitting fear is intensely personal – it brings us to ourselves very quickly. For instance, you may realize you are afraid of losing your job even though if you weren’t afraid, you’d quit your job. Or you may be afraid of being single, but, if you weren’t afraid, you’d get a divorce. Once you shine light on your fears, you get to know yourself a little better, and can decide whether or not you want to take action.

Repeating “if money were no issue . . .” is not checking in with your personal energy system, but the system society has put in place in which to rate your deservedness of the things or experiences you wish to have.  It’s looking outside of yourself, and what you think you deserve based on a society that is, economically and ecologically, an insane system to begin with. To run your energy circuits through the money system first, before going to your gut and heart, is giving all of your power over to something that is set up against most of us to begin with. We just find ourselves wishing for money, while life itself is passing by. 

It’s also holding onto the belief that, “Someday, I’ll be rich (and when I’m rich I’ll do this and that, but until then . . .)”  Most likely, if you weren’t born into wealth, you probably won’t become rich. For instance, women still make less money than men in the United States, and for single women there is an even bigger gap. Frankly, money often is an issue.

I would love to have more money. And I would love to make money doing what I love. I could say my life would be easier had I more money, but that depends on how I come about the money. I used to work at an investment bank, and I made about 5 times more money than I make now – but – I was miserable on a daily basis. Though, if I were any more poor than I am now, I would also be quite miserable. It takes some balancing, and I am on a very thin edge financially.

Boy oh freakin’ boy, if those aren’t some money issues for my mind to be affirming and then stepping around daily!

Getting back to the phrase, If I weren’t afraid . . .  Below are a few examples of my experience with it.

First of all, using the phrase is an experiment. I’m all for experiments. I used this phrase last year while I was in a very dark place, and it helped me to move out of the darkness (and Phoenix – thankfully). As things got better for me, I simply forgot about the phrase and moved on with my life. I was recently reminded of the exercise, was happy with my results, and thought I’d share it with my readers.

As I have been saying to myself – “If I weren’t afraid I would . . .” my responses have been emotional and honest. In my original post, I mentioned a permaculture garden in my example. Over this month, I realize that I have a fear about making a commitment to being in a particular place – and a garden, particularly a permaculture garden, requires time and experimentation and commitment for it to really come to fruition. That is something I learned about myself. What is the worst that could happen? I grow a successful garden and leave it behind for someone else to nurture? I can think of several people who would love to take over a thriving permaculture garden. 

Also, I often found myself saying things like, “If I weren’t afraid, I’d say how I really feel.” And so, I began expressing my feelings more this past month – especially when I am feeling good feelings like love and happiness. I was holding those feelings back for fear of rejection, but holding the good feelings in was making me feel sad. As I let go of being afraid, I let go of the outcome, and now my feelings are flowing much more easily and my relationships are opening up rather than shutting down. Plus, I feel like I am surrounded by people I love and who love me. Bonus!!

I confess, “If I weren’t afraid, I’d make money doing what I love.” I am willing to explore and take new actions toward creating income through my creative work, and am especially committed to my sacred sexuality project with Sydney Francis. I am committed to sharing my knowledge of somatics, creativity and the creative process (especially in writing, the visual arts and sound), ritual, and play. I am willing to explore and experiment, with an open heart and spirit toward gratitude and abundance in all its forms.

Lee's Ferry in Winter (c) 2014 Holly TroyOne of the big things for me – a city girl who moved to the country – is spending more time outside and connecting with nature. Since the new year – I’ve been camping TWICE!! Outside. In the winter. That’s huge and very exciting for me. It is adventurous, expansive, and glorious! if I weren’t afraid, I’d become a National Geographic photographer! (From punk rocker chick to nature photographer – how’s that for a leap)?

If I weren’t afraid vs. if money were no issue? Perhaps the middle-ground phrase is, “As I recognize my abundance I . . . “

Love and Choice – Heart Chakra

IMG_3465When you have no fear, you have choice.

“He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing.”

– Sherman Alexie, The Toughest Indian In The World

What would happen if you owned your passion?

What needs to move in your life? What is nudging at you?

Eve Ensler said [that] when you feel fear, to ask yourself, ‘Are you going for approval OR are you going for change?’ . . . Are you going for change? Do you know what change will bring into your life? Are you simply afraid to change? Why? What is the source of the fear you have about change? Digging down into that question, layer by layer provides interesting answers. Delve in the energy and into yourself for a bit.” ~ by Anne Ortelee – her public service question/announcement for the week

An image of Ganesh, Remover of Obstacles, to help make change a little easier. Maybe removal of fear is a good start . . .

(more fragments) afraid of the dark

Everything I know about dying I learned when I gashed a slice into the bottom of my right foot.

I was so afraid of the dark—I knew there were things that I could see but was not supposed to see. I knew that if I looked too hard I would not like what I found. I was afraid to find out.

I didn’t sleep much, but I did sleep. I woke and there was an ancestor, my grandfather, great grandfather, holding my foot and smiling at me. He was here for a little while, I just looked at him. I felt like he really loved me. He faded away. I have never seen him again. I have been looking for that pure love energy to come back to me.

Dying, a dance, on a hot spring night. Its flood. The flood. The levees broke and bodies on top of cars, on roof tops, in trees, in the water, on the ground. Just there. No place for them. Where was Bush?

Lot of water in the last few years. Tidal wave. Tidal wave I dreamt of, but in my dreams, it hit New York. And we were on the top of a building, Spencer and me.

© 2006