Born on a Thursday # 16: What do I want?

Too many times recently (in recent days and months) I have been baffled by the question, “What do you want?” Well shit, I think. I used to know. I feel so weird, saying what I want. I feel even weirder not being able to answer the question. I used to know the answer, it’s simple – I want to be a singer in a band that tours, and I want to be an artist – a painter, and an established writer. I think it’s coming down to more than a profession, or a title, or a “something”. I already am/or was those things (ok, maybe not an established writer, but that’s not the point).

moon on eclipse eve - May 23, 2013
moon on eclipse eve

So in honor of the Eve of the Eclipse, Pluto on my Sun and Uranus squaring Pluto and, in my personal chart, about to oppose itself, I did a ritual that included writing about what I want. I am hoping this allows me to open up and play with the next direction I’d like my life to take. Also, I hope it inspires you to ask yourself the same question.

What do I want?

I want fluid movement, to enjoy that movement everyday in my back, neck, arms, and shoulders, in my hips and my legs. I want whatever will get me there. I want to dance everyday, to feel that movement originate from the center of my being and move out past my fingertips. I want to release anything that keeps me stiff, caged, inert—thank you for your protection and support, I want to move now. I want to feel space between my cells, shimmers of light, see my cells as light, billions of tiny stars in my Being Universe.

I want to get playfully “far out.”

I want to feel music ripple through my body, I want to amplify that feeling, love, through sound and art, I want to chant and sing and play with incredible musicians, rock mantra, yantra, hatha, hollah, trust!

I want to learn how to belly dance and have guidance from teachers who are perfect for me. I want to deepen my yoga practice—physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, relationally . . .

I want to make good art! I want to paint what’s in my mind, I want to feel color and shape, line and form —fluid. I want to share creative process, joy, fluidity. I want bliss, fun, trust.

I want to open to what I want—what it right for me. I want to choose foods that are good for my body and that I enjoy.

I want my energy to flow all day, and to receive positive energy, too. I want to do work that is joy-filled, I want to be in the right place at the right time, I want to write, I want to love.

I want to give and receive love easily and effortlessly. I want meaningful connection. I want to evolve and learn. I want radiant, vibrant health. I want a radiant, vibrant lover who is supportive and understanding of my need to play and be independent. I want a lover who is healthy and happy and who enjoys life independently of me and who also enjoys me and being with me when we spend time together. I want a lover who wants to evolve and learn, too, and who is willing to dance and be silly with me, who values me and likes me for who I am. I want a lover who I value and like, and who I want to dance and be silly with, too.

I want to travel. I want to heal. I want to allow healing to grow and thrive. I want to continue to expand my healing work and I want my joy and bliss to be a part of that work. I want to be safe to open to more subtle energies.

I want to live. I want the means to live happily, blissfully. I want community. I want to thank all the people in my life for being in my life.

I want to write and tell compelling stories.

I want guidance for right action. I want to be open to something better than i can imagine. I want Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc. I want experience, adventure, action.

I want this list to help me get more clear on what I want!

Om shanti.

So be it, so it is.
So be it, so it is.
So be it, so it is.


I get by with a little help (and laughter) from my friends

om - and once again, i cycle into the unknown
om – and once again, i cycle into the unknown

I apologize for missing Born on a Thursday this week. Moving out of my apartment eclipsed the post (while an actual eclipse was happening)! The last three days have been filled with dramatic changes of plans and sweeping decisions that all boil down to home, family connection, rootedness, shifting relationships, and just plain old residence. (If this isn’t First Chakra stuff, I don’t know what is!)

Right now, almost everything I own is in a storage unit. My entire life’s belongings, sans I-don’t-know-how-many-books-that-were-absorbed-into-my-family’s-library-from-when-I-originally-moved-to-Arizona-in-2007 and my Cruiser Bicycle, fit into an 8’x4′ storage unit.

After three days of marathon moving and cleaning, I thought I could go back to work. No going! Last night, I actually fell asleep on a chair outside after dinner. I was really tired. This morning I woke up with an aching throat and body, and I said to myself, “Yeah, waitressing isn’t happening today.” I texted my supervisor to break the news, fell back to sleep, and dreamed I was waitressing. Tomorrow is my last day at the restaurant where I work. I figure if I just relax today, I should be fine.

I saw three friends whom I haven’t seen face-to-face in fifteen years today! They are such sweet people. They flew in from Los Angeles and are going to Sedona for some healing work. These last two very intense (and dark for me) years have taught me that my friends are so important. And of course, because I was going through a dark time, I isolated, so I barely saw anyone. Now that I am beginning to feel better, I am making an effort to see people – and oh yeah(!) – it feels great to see my friends!

This brings me to a post I wanted to share from the blog Superhero Journal. The post is called A Love List: What your mama really wants for Mother’s Day.  Here’s an excerpt from the post:

I went to a birthday party for a dear friend recently. Since Laurie had been going through some major transitions this year, we wanted to gift her something really special and from the heart. Sherry suggested we all make her a “Love list.”

A Love list is pretty simple.

1. Write down 10 things you love about this person.
2. Tell them what you admire about them, what you appreciate, why they inspire you.
3. Read it to them in person, over the phone, or put a stamp on it and send it off with love.

I thought I’d try this for all of my friends – my cross-section of friends is very broad so the list becomes a bit more general rather than personalized for anyone specific, though, still, I’ll give it a shot.

A Love List for My Friends 

cool light fixture I noticed while hanging out with friends
cool light fixture I noticed while hanging out with friends

1. I love that I can always count on my friends to make me laugh. My friends are funny in their own ways, some are sarcastic, some are irreverent, some just notice odd things that are funny.
2. I love that my friends don’t rub it in when I make a mistake, and will even give me a shoulder to cry on (or a couch to sleep on) if I need it.
3. I love that my friends are generous, understanding, and compassionate people.
4. I love that my friends are interested in being healthy physically, emotionally, and spiritually. They do all sorts of things – yoga, cycling, hiking, cross fit, dance, walking, making music, white water rafting . . .
5. I love that my friends are adventurous – they all have such great stories – from the night  one spent with Iggy Pop, to living on an ashram in India, to motorcycling across New Zealand!
6. I love that my friends are so varied, and that there is so much to learn from all of them.
7. I love that my friends “get it” when I fall in love.
8. I love that my friends inspire me – they push on against all odds and do really amazing things with their lives and still have time for friendship.
9. I love that my friends still love me even when I disappear into isolation from time to time.
10. I love the bright shining lights that my friends are to me. “We are stardust, we are golden . . .” Yes!

So, yeah! Even now, as everything in my life feels/is uprooted, I’m feeling a lot of gratitude for all the people in my life. It certainly has made all the transition I’m navigating through so much easier.

On to new adventures!

Check out the Love List post from Superhero Journal here.

20 Notes on Lasting Happiness by Swami Sitaramananda (reblog)

Reposted from the Sivananda Yoga Farm blog.

1. When the mind is more focused, you are happier. When the mind is one-pointed, it doesn’t swing so much. If it doesn’t have many waves, then you are happy.

2. Objects appear to give you happiness because of the conditioning of your mind to like this and dislike that, but truly objects cannot bring you lasting happiness. All objects are external things, but happiness comes from within you; it is your true nature.

3. Happiness that is the result of habit is not free and unlimited, therefore it comes and goes.

4. The value of an object depends on your desire for it. The attainment of the desired object gives instant happiness, but this happiness is fleeting.

5. Desire is fantasy projected outward and onto an object. The desire cannot be satisfied, because satisfaction will only fan the desire for something else. Thus desire makes you unhappy.

6. The promise of happiness in fact is unhappiness, because it leads to discontent.

7. The satisfaction of a desire reveals the desireless-ever-fulfilled soul. So why not recognize the source of happiness and enjoy limitless happiness, instead of having glimpses of it from one desire to another – alternating with suffering, fear, and dissatisfaction.

8. There is no true happiness residing in the object. The happiness when the desired object is attained comes from the soul, not because the object is soulful, but because the desire for the object ceases to block the recognition of the pure bliss and happiness which is the soul ‘s nature.

9. Some objects can give you happiness more than others just because you are programmed to think so. Often you are programmed to think so before your birth, carried on from birth to birth. Therefore it is difficult to think that what you like or dislike is just a preprogrammed habit. You identify with it and you lose perspective.

IMG_195110. Likes and dislikes are before birth and are karmic patterns.

11. It is possible to see the true happiness of your own nature using your mind, you just have to make the mind calm and un-wavy (devoid of thoughts). When the mind is wavy, you can only see a distorted picture of what constitutes happiness, what constitutes yourself. Therefore, it is important to keep the mind calm and transparent – like a mirror or a calm lake–so you can see yourself.

12. The goal is not to do something and get somewhere, but to calm the mind so you can contemplate your true nature as happiness.

13. In a transcendental state of mind, you find bliss. In a one-pointedness state of mind, you find happiness. In a gathering state of mind, you find peace.

14. In a distracted state of mind, you feel unhappy and restless. In dull state of mind, you feel unhappy and lethargic.

15. Many temporary feelings of happiness lined up will not become the unlimited happiness that we are after. Adding many fleeting feelings of happiness together will not equal the one big happiness. Adding diamond happiness to furniture happiness to travel happiness to jobs happiness to husband happiness will not make the big happiness.

16. The big happiness is your own Self.

17. Unhappiness means failing to see the truth of happiness, because we are too busy seeing objects.

18. Using the same mind, trying again and again to find happiness in external objects is the trap of the mind which leads us to repeat the same patterns again and again.

19. You do yourself disfavor by satisfying the desires of the mind, because you become more unhappy as a result.

20. Work through your karmic patterns and your mind will find happiness independent from external objects.

What do you think? As a westerner, are Swami Sitaramananda’s points feasible? 

Invitation to Write Past the Mind and into the Chakras

I’ve been dreaming chakras! Must be because my next online workshop is coming up in a little less than two weeks—they’re trickling into my subconscious.

Often, to write powerfully, even if only for ourselves, we have to move past what we “think” we should write. Have you ever asked yourself what your fears are about writing?

Energy (c) holly troyYou don’t have to share your work with anyone, but if you are “dying” to tell a story and are afraid, chances are there is a part of you that is suffering for not letting it out.

  • Are you ready to let go of your intellectual understanding of what is “socially acceptable writing” and allow yourself to really say what you need to say?
  • Are you ready to let writing move through your body, into your energetic being, and trust what it’s saying to you?
  • Are you ready to release memories (or make up new ones), blocks, and sticky spots?
  • Are you ready for non-judgmental feedback, compassionate communication, and encouragement?

If you said “yes” to any of the questions above, then you are ready to participate in Writing the Energetic Body.

The cost for the 28 Day Workshop is $72.00

Register for Writing the Energetic Body here.

“The Art of Receiving” ~ Heart Chakra Love

Often when we become stressed, we put an extra burden on our bodies by cutting ourselves off from what we are feeling so that we can just “get through” the stress. Financial problems, work issues, and disharmonious relationships can really shut us down, not to mention reading or watching way too much news.

I received the article The Art Of Receiving in my inbox from Marie Manuchehri yesterday. In the message she talks about the heart or fourth chakra. She says:

The fourth chakra receives the highest amount of energy, in the form of abundance, for the human body. Reception occurs at the back mate of the chakra, right in-between your shoulder blades.  When this chakra is open—its normal state—and allows energy in, it receives health, love, joy, and wealth. Many people refuse to receive, and energetically block this chakra, withholding deserved abundance and healing.

Considering that the heart chakra receives the highest amount of energy in the human body, it’s a good idea to keep it open and flowing. Check out Marie’s website for exercises for helping the heart chakra receive energy and to keep it from leaking energy.

pebble form roman's altar - the amazonI went to a talk by Marie a few months ago after reading her book, Intuitive Self-Healing: Achieve Balance and Wellness Through the Body’s Energy Centers. I found that just by reading her experiences with energetic healing that my reiki practice deepened — her story (she was an oncology nurse before she became an energetic healer, and her story is fascinating) helped me let go and listen just a notch more deeply to my intuition, especially while working with clients. And her chakra exercises and meditations are really effective; the results are profound.

In person, Marie’s vibe is very down-to-earth and caring, plus, her presence just made me smile. I couldn’t help it! She is from Seattle, and I’m going to take a workshop with her when she comes through Phoenix next month. I can’t wait!

Check out Marie’s article on the heart chakra, and check out her site to see if she is coming to a city near you. She is worth seeing in person if you can swing it. 

If you want a heart chakra meditation, here’s mine: Sending Love to the Universe and Back

Anahata Chakra ~ Breathing the World

I am in the middle of an online session of Writing the Energetic Body. We are diving into the heart chakra.

Chakra 4: Anahata ~ Love • Peace • The Pure Sound of Creation • The Right to Love • Air

The 4th chakra is the core of our entire energy system, the fulcrum between the material world and the spiritual world. Its element is air; its principle is balance. In order to live, we need to breathe. When we take the time to pay attention to our breath, we invite our bodies to relax and our spirits to gently be known.

The heart is where we discover our emotional nature in relation to ourselves alone. (It is here where we also realize that Self, really is the whole world. As I inhale and exhale, I exchange the air with everything that inhales and exhales—you, animals, plants, etc.) In the big picture, nature is always balancing itself Bringing it back down to ourselves (knowing that we are connected), we must at some point ask ourselves, “How do I achieve balance in my life?”

The heart takes the passion of the first three chakras and moves it to a place of compassion. It takes raw energy and refines it, softens it, gives it an anchor.

G is for Geordie and for Gratitude!

I was thinking about my friend and teacher Geordie today. If you are in NYC, I highly recommend you check out his reiki circle on Monday nights at the Madison Wellness Center! He also volunteers his time for those in recovery from addictions at Third Root Health Center in Brooklyn.

I’m having another astrological reading with him coming up! It’s been a while . . .

I wrote these things about him on his site, Deer Spirit Reiki.

Holly Troy – Reiki Master Teacher graduate
Geordie, your astrological reading rocked my world! I cannot express the gratitude I have for such a thorough, spiritual,intuitive and concise exchange of time and energy. I felt as if my my very soul was finally understood. What joy to be in the presence of non-judgement!

By the time my reading with Geordie was over, I new I’d had a transcendental experience. The understanding that I needed so badly gave me the courage to take my life to the next level (and the next and the next). I am fulfilling my destiny as well as guiding it. Geordie is the real deal–and so are we all!

Holly Troy – Reiki Master Teacher graduate
I am forever grateful for the teachings I received from Geordie. Last year I made the intention of becoming a reiki master after I met Geordie and experienced his clear, loving reiki energy. His enthusiasm for reiki flows into everything he does. We talked for a few months about reiki and the master level before I was actually ready to begin. Once the journey of the Masterwork began, I experienced intense healing. We had a few reiki exchanges which were very powerful for me. Actually learning how to give attunements was incredibly joyful and I got to practice on Geordie several times. All I need to do is think about that experience and the energy starts flowing through my arms and hands. I feel confident in my abilities as a reiki practitioner and look forward to teaching it myself.

When Geordie gives reiki, he just sets the intention and the entire room is amped with reiki energy. One of the last times I received a treatment from him I could see black psychic cords unplugging from my back–thousands of them. Some came back as soon as they were unplugged, but he kept working there and they kept leaving me. I believe the lightness I feel in my life today is partly due to that deep letting go that Geordie helped me with. In the same session, he also focused energy on my jaw. He did not know that I had suffered from an infected tooth for six months earlier that year–some of the time I had to be on powerful pain killers. Liquid in my ear began to move and he seemed to pull repressed pain right out of my jaw! Geordie has been a witness to, and a participant in, major healings in my life.

Truly, my last year in NY was intense! Divorce, living in my friend’s basement during the separation, and a really depressing corporate job took their toll on my emotional and physical health. Geordie really was/is a light in my life (then and now). 

Last year I met up with him in Peru and we participated in a reiki and acupuncture clinic in a village in the Amazon. I haven’t seen G since that journey.

Geordie and Peter the day after ceremony at Paititi Insititute.

Pennies from Heaven

As I’ve been making videos for my current workshop, Writing the Energetic Body, I came across a “First Chakra Healing Tip” video by Vicki Howie of Chakra Boosters.

I thought this was optimistic and clever – so I am sharing.

Chakra, Body Wisdom, and Writing

Join me on May 1st for three weeks of writing and exploring the chakras.

Register for Writing the Energetic Body here.

During a bodywork session this morning, my massage therapist Tessabella (check her out – she’s amazing) suggested I make a video about my workshop—so here is my homegrown Writing the Energetic Body video invitation . . .

How to write? What if I’ve never written before?

No worries! The writing prompts and movement are geared to stimulate the chakra we are focusing on. I will ask you to write for a specific period of time. During the writing period, the only requirement of you is to write until time is up.

There is no wrong way to do this. You may write any way you like. Don’t worry about grammar, spelling, or punctuation. They do not matter here. I always go back to what my first creative writing teacher Suzanne McConnell (and many teachers after her)* taught me—there is only one rule, keep your hand(s) moving. If you feel stuck, keep writing anyway. Try going back to the prompt and write it out until other words arise, then write those—or, repeat the last word you wrote again and again until new words appear—or, write, “I am stuck,” or “I can’t think of anything,” as long as you keep your hand moving. Writing is physical, the words will move through your body and come out of your hand—just keep it moving.

holy hand chakra - Shiva

I hope that some of the writing you do here opens you up to going deeper and perhaps inspires you to write a personal essay, a story, a poem, or to explore some recurring themes in your life.  At the very least, writing is communication, and, if you can write the truth, then you are deepening your relationship with your Self.

Mostly, I invite you to have fun! I am looking forward to seeing creative energies flowing. Although the prompts are linked in some way to the chakras, I encourage you to let go and just write whatever comes to you.

Click here to learn more and register for the class. Also, you may contact me at

* Natalie Goldberg wrote an entire book about “keeping the hand moving”. It’s called Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within. It’s definitely worth checking out!