108 Days of American Sentence ~ Day 15

Hurt – his first word – I’m sorry – as if there was anything I could do.

~

divine-lovers-mural-at-the-yoga-experience-holly-troy

108 Days of American Sentence – Day 2

Pedaled bike hard up hospital hill on a warm February day.

~~~~~

change-is-swift-and-seems-unreal-holly-troy01-2017

dancing with the beauty and vulnerability of the unknown

svadhistana – the right to feel, the power of relationships

“Happiness comes from between. It comes from getting the right relationship between yourself and others, yourself and your work, and yourself and something larger than yourself.” — Jonathan Haidt

“Keeping your body healthy is an expression of gratitude to the whole cosmos—the trees, the clouds, everything.”—Thích Nhất Hạnh

“The dancer’s body is simply the luminous manifestation of the Soul.” ~ Isadora Duncan

“Permaculture principles focus on thoughtful designs for small-scale intensive systems which are labor efficient and which use biological resources instead of fossil fuels. Designs stress ecological connections and closed energy and material loops. The core of permaculture is design and the working relationships and connections between all things.” – Bill Mollison

“Creativity requires a state of grace. So many things are required for it to succeed.” ~ Magda Szabó

love-note-to-me-from-kip-holly-troy“We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.” ~ Ellen Goodman

“Permaculture is a philosophy of working with, rather than against nature; of protracted and thoughtful observation rather than protracted and thoughtless labor; and of looking at plants and animals in all their functions, rather than treating any area as a single product system.” – Bill Mollison

“For a relationship to stay alive, love alone is not enough. Without imagination, love stales into sentiment, duty, boredom. Relationships fail not because we have stopped loving but because we first stopped imagining.” – James Hillman

“We are challenged every day to say yes to the movements of life, to see it all through, without pause, staying in relationship to the music of life and each other, adjusting as we go, not knowing what will happen next.”  —Mark Nepo

“The actual trouble is that profit is identified entirely with money, as distinct from the real profit of living with dignity and elegance in beautiful surroundings.” ~Does it Matter, Alan Watts

“I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.” ~ D.H. Lawrence

“Salmon are crucial to their coastal ecosystem like perhaps few other species on the planet. A significant portion of the nitrogen in West Coast forests has been traced back to salmon, which can travel hundreds of miles upstream to lay their eggs. The largest trees on Earth simply wouldn’t exist without salmon.”  – Eric Holthaus, “The Point of No Return, Climate Change Nightmares Are Already Here”, Rolling Stone

“Maybe some people just aren’t meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some people are just passing through. It’s like some people just come through our lives to bring us something: a gift, a blessing, a lesson we need to learn. And that’s why they’re here. You’ll have that gift forever.” ~ Danielle Steel

“The war of an artist with his society is a lover’s war and he does at his best what lovers do which is to reveal the beloved to himself and with that revelation to make freedom real.”  ~ James Baldwin

Taking Time and Navigating the Mundane

I haven’t written in a while – but this is a start. As fall was settling in, and since my sister’s death, I’ve retreated. This has been an assessment period. My energy has been low – and I’ve been looking at where I need to cut back and stop leaking energy.

I know I have been branching my energy out far too wide for years. Anger and grief are showing me where my energy drains are. There is a shift in my awareness.

One of my biggest energy and money sucks sadly has been yoga instruction. Teaching a one hour class (which in itself is just weird – way too short) – was costing me about three hours of time for each class. A few classes a week plus a full-time job were cutting into my personal relationships, my creative energy, fun, and just plain old rest. While I love teaching, the return on my time investment alone isn’t worth it anymore. Maybe that will change, but for now, my practice is personal.

Who am I spending my time with? In the last couple of weeks I realized there are some people who I just don’t need to be around. I don’t have to like everyone I meet. I can walk away and do other things with my time rather than be around people I dislike. I don’t have to analyze the situation further than that. This is a difficult one for me. Usually I can glean something from any connection, any point of view, but sometimes enough is enough. If after spending time with a person I feel agitated/anxious/drained/angry – that person, or our combination of personalities, is toxic. I don’t need to change that person’s behavior – I can choose to change my own behavior, and at this point, rather than argue or put up with negativity, I can leave and do something else (like riding my bike, or writing, and hanging out with a real friend).

I really like the people I work with – and I like my job. 40 hours a week is a lot of time. And, with not getting paid for lunch, it’s actually 45 hours a week. My perspective about my day has to stay positive.  I don’t make enough money to “move ahead” in life, or have an accident – basically I live paycheck to paycheck. No matter what, I will always do my best at my job. No matter whether I make just enough to survive or more than I could ever imagine, it’s important for me to: connect with the people I work with, always do my best, inspire others to do their best, laugh everyday, and learn something new everyday. Currently, all of those things happen for me at work. They are important. I am grateful. They keep me from thinking about work when I am not there. I am also aware of my value – compensation for my time is a new focus in my thinking. Over the next six months to the next year I will work with that focus and see what kinds of changes I can create.

rosemary (c) Holly Troy 2014Those are some of the big things that are in my awareness right now. What am I willing to continue and what am I willing to release? What is of value to me and how can I be of most value to others? Allowing myself to live “one day at a time” while having a loose plan about where I’d like to be is helpful. I don’t have to be constantly productive, though I do like having the time and energy to follow through on my creative ideas.

What’s important in my life? The shortlist: Love, connection, creativity, learning, higher learning, cycling, nature, literature, art, good company, good food, being outdoors, health.

The process is slow. Energy flows in short bursts right now. I’m learning to use the energy while I have it – and the low energy is a lesson in conservation. It is never wise to squander resources. It’s good to replenish the stores. Let’s see where my resources take me.

 

 

 

Born on a Thursday #53 ~ love sickness, love joy

While walking the dog, I am thinking about all the things I am never going to do again. Every evening, as the the clouds are turning orange, tears:  This is so beautiful and I’m not ever going to watch a sunset with J— again. I’m never going to wake up in the wilderness as the sun is rising and say “good morning”. We will never lie on our backs and look at stars and the moon. No more sweet silence. We will never go as far out as possible together and see things most people won’t. 

pine glow (c) 2014 Holly TroyI do not, cannot stop myself. Grief. My body trembles for weeks. My hands shake and I cannot eat without effort. Who am I? I have to keep walking, that is all I know.

One day I look up and the sky is deep cornflower blue, chalky, like a fresco, and to the west it is pink and orange. The grasses on the mesa, slowly, almost timelessly shifting from gold-pink to pale luminescent violet, finally bleaching out to soft blue-white and then, dark. The air is cool and clean, so pure and fresh that to breathe is soothing. I’m OK. I love this. I love my life this minute. While I’d like to be sharing this moment marveling at the beauty of the world—this is pretty damn good. This is pretty damn good. 

So much beauty in this world. Even in the sadness.

Born on a Thursday # 38 – What Next?

Relationships excite me and baffle me at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I am swimming in the most luxurious pool, completely relaxed and surrendered to feeling immense pleasure and bliss—and the next minute realizing that what I thought was a dive into deep waters turns out to be the shallow end and I am about to be very hurt when I crash at the bottom. I often don’t know which end is up and I keep thinking I am going to get it right, while at the same time trying to convince myself there is no right or wrong.

flowers etching by holly troy © 2013Studying, writing, working on/with Svadhistana (2nd Chakra) right now. Svadhistana issues are relationships, pleasure, creativity, finances, personal ethics and the right to feel. Of course, at the same time, a lot of those issues are kicked up in my life right now (uncomfortably). I want to detach, and yet, I don’t want to detach. I want to be fully embodied in my experiences. I like pushing my own boundaries, and have been a bit too comfortable with being uncomfortable (accepting stuff that makes me feel unhappy, frustrated, annoyed, demoralized for too long – it’s dishonest, and it blocks love and creativity). Too many externals have been feeling like a dead end right now, feelings deadened, and I need to make a shift before I internalize it.

I know it all starts with breathing, gratitude, and letting go of what cannot be changed. And feeling, and moving, and letting the feelings move, and taking action—even if they are tiny.

A few strokes in a new direction and I know the water will be just fine.

“For a Yogi, nothing is impossible. If something seems impossible, turn it to something difficult. From difficult to something easy. From something easy, to Realization.” Swami Vishnu-devananda

Sweetness, Desire, Relationships

I’ve got a Part II to the New Moon post, but tonight, some quotes on the 2nd Chakra, which is connected to the moon.

sweet flower (c) holly troy2nd Chakra: Svadhistana ~ Sweetness • Desire • Power of Relationships • The Right to Feel • Water

“We may think that when we have completed our study of one we know all about two because two is one and one. We forget that we still have to make a study of ‘and.’” — A. Eddington

“Every perfect action is accompanied by pleasure. By that you can tell what you ought to do.” — Andre Gide

“Ascetic spirituality is a symptom of the very disease which it intends to cure.” — Alan Watts

“Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.” ~ Bill Nye

“It is said that each time we embrace someone warmly, we gain an extra day of life.” – Paulo Coelho

“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” — Plato

“A Revolution without dancing is not a revolution worth having.” -Emma Goldman

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