I haven’t written in a while – but this is a start. As fall was settling in, and since my sister’s death, I’ve retreated. This has been an assessment period. My energy has been low – and I’ve been looking at where I need to cut back and stop leaking energy.
I know I have been branching my energy out far too wide for years. Anger and grief are showing me where my energy drains are. There is a shift in my awareness.
One of my biggest energy and money sucks sadly has been yoga instruction. Teaching a one hour class (which in itself is just weird – way too short) – was costing me about three hours of time for each class. A few classes a week plus a full-time job were cutting into my personal relationships, my creative energy, fun, and just plain old rest. While I love teaching, the return on my time investment alone isn’t worth it anymore. Maybe that will change, but for now, my practice is personal.
Who am I spending my time with? In the last couple of weeks I realized there are some people who I just don’t need to be around. I don’t have to like everyone I meet. I can walk away and do other things with my time rather than be around people I dislike. I don’t have to analyze the situation further than that. This is a difficult one for me. Usually I can glean something from any connection, any point of view, but sometimes enough is enough. If after spending time with a person I feel agitated/anxious/drained/angry – that person, or our combination of personalities, is toxic. I don’t need to change that person’s behavior – I can choose to change my own behavior, and at this point, rather than argue or put up with negativity, I can leave and do something else (like riding my bike, or writing, and hanging out with a real friend).
I really like the people I work with – and I like my job. 40 hours a week is a lot of time. And, with not getting paid for lunch, it’s actually 45 hours a week. My perspective about my day has to stay positive. I don’t make enough money to “move ahead” in life, or have an accident – basically I live paycheck to paycheck. No matter what, I will always do my best at my job. No matter whether I make just enough to survive or more than I could ever imagine, it’s important for me to: connect with the people I work with, always do my best, inspire others to do their best, laugh everyday, and learn something new everyday. Currently, all of those things happen for me at work. They are important. I am grateful. They keep me from thinking about work when I am not there. I am also aware of my value – compensation for my time is a new focus in my thinking. Over the next six months to the next year I will work with that focus and see what kinds of changes I can create.
Those are some of the big things that are in my awareness right now. What am I willing to continue and what am I willing to release? What is of value to me and how can I be of most value to others? Allowing myself to live “one day at a time” while having a loose plan about where I’d like to be is helpful. I don’t have to be constantly productive, though I do like having the time and energy to follow through on my creative ideas.
What’s important in my life? The shortlist: Love, connection, creativity, learning, higher learning, cycling, nature, literature, art, good company, good food, being outdoors, health.
The process is slow. Energy flows in short bursts right now. I’m learning to use the energy while I have it – and the low energy is a lesson in conservation. It is never wise to squander resources. It’s good to replenish the stores. Let’s see where my resources take me.