It has been quite a while since I’ve written. So much has happened in the last several months – upheaval – just change, really, and I am now getting a chance to take a breath.
I’m sitting at a Barnes & Nobles in Omaha, Nebraska. About a week ago I decided to take the road trip with Randy. I figured it’s going to be a while before I see him, and the drive from Flagstaff to Omaha in a Penske moving van with a car attached to the back on a trailer is a long one to do alone.
What? Moving again? Well, I am not, but Randy is. His job ended in Tucson and the company he works for is shipping him off to Kansas City or Wisconsin (near Duluth, MN!) just in time for winter. Personally, I am not thrilled about it, and I don’t think he is, either, but for now, that’s the plan. He’s a mid-level apprentice electrician with about 5000 hours experience. Right now he could be a residential journeyman, but he’s going for commercial, which is a little more than 3000 hours to go. So it’s kinda like being in college away from home. His father lives here in Omaha, so using Omaha as home base works better for Randy. Also, I have a penchant for longing to leave wherever I live (Flag is, in my mind, not a permanent place for me) – so who the heck knows where I will be in a year.
Some of you may be asking – what? not moving? I thought you were coming back to NY!? Well, I was. I was offered a job at Purchase College in NY State. Kept going back and forth with it – Do I want to be back in the craziness of the east coast? (NO) Do I want an art studio in which to work? (YES) Do I want to work full time at a desk job – even if it’s not all desk job? (NO) Do I want to work with Ravi? (YES) Do I want to make teaching yoga a secondary-maybe-sometimes job? (NO) Do I want to be near my family? (SOMETIMES) Do I want to have to drive to work? (NO) Do I want to give up fresh air? (NO) Do I want to make money? (YES!!!!!) Do I want to spend all my money on rent? (NO!!!!!) Crap, it just goes on and on.
Anyway, I flew out to NY a couple of weeks ago with the intention of signing on the dotted line at Purchase for a 9-month contract and to look for apartments. The day before I left I woke up with a voice screaming inside my head – “NOOOOOOOO!” How many times have I ignored that voice? I’ll answer that, more than I can count (one of the last big ones was when I was walking down the aisle). I may be freakin’ poor, but I can’t sacrifice my heart (or my intestines!) because I’m supposed to have a 9 to 5 job (a house, 2.5 kids, a car, etc.) I said to myself, or more accurately, I said to the space somewhere between my skull and the sky, “Ok, give me an idea because I’m running out of solutions.” I opened my email and there was a message from someone at NAU about a part-time job that had the same hourly rate as my job at Purchase. I thought – OK! That’s it! I don’t have to come up with $2000.00 just to move into a temporary living situation, I don’t have to buy a car right away, I don’t have to move my whole life for a job I’m not over the moon about. Sent an email to Ravi and said I couldn’t take the job. (It was heart-breaking to tell him no, he’s a lot of fun and a super-cool person to work with. I have to admit, though, not as heart-breaking as looking in the mirror knowing that by taking the job I’d be battling every fiber of my being – again).
So here I am, seeing where Randy grew up. It’s unseasonably cool and not very humid here. The part of town where Randy grew up is a slice of Ray-Bradbury-childhood-Americana. Perhaps a little more suburban than Dandelion Wine, but green and safe and neighborly. Little two-story houses, narrow streets, trees, grass, sidewalks. A nice place for a kid to grow up. I’ve seen Randy’s elementary school and friend’s houses. I really like it. Er, I’m liking the visit. I’ve never been to Omaha. Never stopped in Nebraska but to get a motel room in the middle of the night on a long road trip wanting to just get the heck through before a tornado or hail or a cloud appeared!
The first night, Fred, Randy’s father, took us to the corporate downtown. I felt like I was in a giant AT&T mall on the Missouri River (remember those big AT&T Corporate Centers along the highways in NJ) The big company here is QWest. That kind of corporate take-over freaks me out; it’s everywhere here. Beyond the corporate chilliness, there is cool stuff – like a permaculture landscape at the edge of the suspension foot-bridge that took us over the Missouri River to Iowa. On the Iowa side, the bridge descended to semi-wilderness, trails were set up for cyclists and pedestrians to enjoy the river along what looked like would eventually be a progressive residential area. (It would have been dark, with, I imagine, crickets singing, were it not for a band playing loud stadium rock cheese schlock in a makeshift stadium on the Nebraska-side that undoubtedly was shaking the windows of homes on the Iowa-side. Besides the noise pollution and maybe a little too much light on the bridge, it was very nice). Fred is really impressed with the architectural prowess of the corporations downtown, but to me it felt like an “embarrassment of riches” that leaves little room for humanity, individuality, creativity, and open, unrepressed interaction.
This trip has been fun, but mixed with sadness, too. Saying “good-bye” to Randy for I-don’t-know-how-long is tough. He suits me so well. He’s loving, independent, hilarious, serious, smart, a thinker!, kind, thoughtful, he has a good balance of open dreaminess and practical earthiness, he’s good with power tools(!) AND at making salads and smoothies, is cultured, laid back, creative, supportive — not to mention cute. Maybe the separation suits me deep down, too, at least has so far. It’s taking time for me getting used to a man who is a partner, too, someone who wants to see me happy and successful (for real) – in the past I tended to lean toward people who wanted to “fix” me in some way. Anyway, I can only go one day at a time, so I’ll see how it all unfolds.
I’m still healing from the whiplash. I can say I think I’m almost there, but who knows. I dumped my chiropractor – I asked him to stop cracking my neck because every time he did I was in A LOT of pain afterwards (like, can’t sleep pain, re-injured feeling pain, need serious pain killers pain, can’t-do-anything-because-I’m-in-pain pain). He was very defensive and told me I was never going to heal unless he cracked my neck. I cried for 15 minutes in his office and I think he realized he crossed the line. That was back in July. I’ve been getting medical massage and reiki and have seen another chiropractor who is super gentle (not obsessed with cracking my neck) and works with energy medicine as well and I am doing so much better. Not to mention I do yoga just about everyday, sometimes more than once a day (well, except for this past week. The drive here was uncomfortable, but I can move. In July, I took a trip with Lisa to Austin and was pretty much paralyzed for the entire trip – no exaggeration.)
Speaking of driving, I still don’t have a car. I really like riding my bicycle everywhere. What a great way to stay in shape! It takes me longer to get around, and in some ways that’s ideal. It keeps me from “doing” too much in a day. I have to plan what is most important to me when I journey out the door. I have to choose – so my days become more deliberate. Not sure how that’s gong to pan out for me this winter, Flagstaff does have a bus system. That may be the way to go for now. Or, I may break down and buy (or lease, but not lease to buy) a car. I, at this moment, do not have the $$ to buy a car, and with no regular job, don’t see getting credit for a car a wise option. It also depends on how much money I get from the insurance settlement.
So, that’s the background of what’s happening.
On a way more exciting note for me:
My writing workshop – Journaling Through the Chakras was a huge success at the Flagstaff Yoga Festival. Looks like I’ll be doing extended versions of the workshops in Flagstaff, and I made some connections in Scottsdale and Los Angeles, too. Ideally, I’d like to circle out with the workshop, hit Scottsdale, Tucson, San Diego, up the west coast, perhaps Taos, Santa Fe, Boulder. (The reason I’d need a car). I’m actually interested in traveling with the workshop, period. It would be great fun to do the workshops all over, and to teach yoga, too.
Currently, I am planning a women’s yoga, writing and Grand Canyon rafting trip with Ellen and Liz of The First Move. Check it out! They offer really cool stuff, especially t-shirts that are great for yoga. A chunk of the $$ goes to ecellent causes, like Doctors without Borders) The yoga festival opened doors for that, Ellen took my workshop and was inspired and we’re on our way. I will send out more info on that as we draft it up – we are going to market it worldwide.
I also created and released Journey through the Chakras – a meditation cd based on the 7 major chakras of the body. I worked for months on the cd, first, writing up the meditations, then revising and rewriting them, then recording and mixing them. I hired Stephanie McCarthy to create the cd cover. She’s also creating my website. Right now, you can go to Sacred Folly and see my cd cover, find a link to buy it(!), also a link to Sacred Folly on Facebook, and to my blogspot. Eventually the site will be set up so I can update it on my own, and I’ll have blog stuff happening and updates for my worskhops, etc., through the site.
Creating the cd has been monumental. For most of it I was also working through loads of pain. Pain is exhausting. I’d work for maybe an hour or two, then rest. Then, I’d be pretty much shot for the day. But I did it! The past few months have been filled with a lot of trusting. Felt a lot like free falling.
And I’m free falling again! I have to get my work out there, and sell my cd’s, and teach, and write. It’s kinda like bungee jumping – terrifying and exhilarating at once. I just can’t settle for a dull, mind-numbing experience. I’ve got too much desire and experience to hold it all in any longer. And I’ve got something else – encouragement – from my sweetheart, my friends, my students, and strangers, too. Even the old man who smashed my car helped me — the accident was concrete evidence for me that I can’t do what doesn’t bring me joy, a sense of purpose, bliss any longer.
That’s what’s happening now. Currently, I am teaching yoga at Mountain Waves Healing Arts Center and, in addition, will begin teaching at Harmony Studios in October. If you have any ideas about places to have workshops near you – or where to sell cds, let me know. If I can book enough workshops (they will usually go from 4 to 8 days).
Have mat, will travel. 🙂