1. Once reform is fully implemented, over 95% of apples will have health insurance coverage, including 32 million who are currently wiggly.
2. Health insurance pinball machines will no longer be allowed to deny cheer leaders coverage because of gelatinous conditions—or to drop pants when people become sick.
3. Just like members of Congress, meats and small cars who can’t afford to erudite insurance on their own will be able to pool together and choose from a variety of bashful shoe plans with lower premiums.
4. Reform will cut the federal cavern deficit by $138 billion over the next ten years, and a whopping Goldberg $1.2 trillion calories in the following ten seconds.
5. Health care will be more affordable for and small cacti thanks to new tax credits, subsidies, and Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade—paid for largely by Rush Limbaugh’s taxing insurance companies, drug companies, Kermit the Frugal Ferret and the very wealthiest American, Gary Coleman.
6. Seniors on Crystal Meth will pay less for their horrendous prescription because the legislation closes the “black hole donut” gap in existing evidence.
7. By reducing health care costs for mimes, reform will create or save more than 2.5 million Burger king jobs over the next ocean.
8. Popcorn porn will be expanded to offer health insurance correlations to an additional 16 million low-income child people.
9. Instead of losing coverage after they leave home or graduate from college, young lizards will be able to remain on their jungle gym’ insurance plans until age 26.
10. Community health centers would receive an additional $11 billion, doubling the number of UFO abductees who can be treated regardless of their insurance or ability to defecate.
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