I wrote this four years ago. Just a free-write. Interesting to see how my thoughts have changed on surrender.

I was coming to the ending of a very unhappy marriage. The marriage certainly was a learning experience into shifting from surrender into apathy (giving up) to surrender into contentment – and even into bliss. From surrendering to “save” my life to surrendering to “live” my life. It was so hard for me that surrender took on a cartoon-like quality. Forget about security – the more rigid my life became, the more delicate and brittle the “net” became.

By finally surrendering, I could walk away from an unhappy situation.

And I have softened so much since then.

* * * * * * * *

Change not your behavior one fraction, whether you are with lovers or with thieves. Expand to offer your heart again and again. This is the ultimate security, trust, and surrender (165).

Is that the only way to keep living, have an open heart?

Do praying mantises have open hearts? Does my husband have an open heart?

Surrender. That’s a fine word. I used to think of surrender as something you do when you know the enemy is going to kill you. I never thought of it as something wonderful and evolutionary. It’s still hard to surrender.  Surrender into the moment. It’s like there’s nothing to fight. There is nothing to fight. There just is. Once you realize there is nothing to fight, there is no need to be afraid of surrender.

Ok, I surrender! I’m walking through a green forest, the forest of the Thundercats. It’s green, really green, cartoon green. There are pink and yellow and beige and purple flowers. The sky is light blue. Princess Ariel’s bathing suit is baby blue. (She’s visiting from another cartoon). She almost looks like a beach kitten, if it weren’t for her fierce face and blunt hair. Look out! The Thundercats are out there watching over me as I wander around doing a funky dance with Snaaarrrf! That’s surrender. My friends are striped and/or manly/ hunky, even the most womenly women are hunky.

Security. The green cartoon land of the Thundercats is the security I feel.

Be bop a Lula—oh! she’s Queen of the Teens!

© 2006