I’m sifting through my computer – looking for a workshop I created in 2012. I came across this journal entry. I was 31 when I wrote this. Two years before I married the man I was dating at the time I wrote this.

My 30s were a time where I turned my back on myself. I fell into a trap – unconsciously – of believing I was old and had to let go of certain dreams. All I wanted to do when I was a kid was grow up so I could escape my family and live my own life — I had no idea I would have to fight to be myself.

I’m so glad to have writing from that time – I’ve been learning so much. 

“I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.” – Bob Dylan

April 11, 2002

Why is it that people who claim to love us most want to take away our power? Women who refuse to suppress what is most natural and necessary to be a whole person go through the greatest trials with love.

I understand giving time to someone I love, giving my body, giving my heart, giving my ideas and being nurturing—all these things that go with loving someone—but I cannot stifle what is naturally a part of me. It is odd that (my) lovers do not see the benefits of loving a powerful woman (me).

Behead the Phoenix and all that is left are ashes. Certainly ashes have a purpose. They might blow around and choke you, or get in your eyes. Eventually, they will end up on the ground, and maybe after some time will mix in with the earth and become a sort of fertilizer.

Goodness with no glory.

A woman’s worth will prevail, even after it takes until she is long gone.

Shit though, it’s much more fun to rise and shine while alive every now and then.

 

May 7, 2024
New Moon Taurus
Hudson Valley, NY

Photo taken by my little sister Kerry Troy. circa 1990s. Before leaving my power on the altar of the patriarchy.