The Walk Home

Brownies, Girl Scouts, youth groups, teachers, my junior high principal. It always seemed like wherever there were kids; at least a few of the adults were “off”.

30 years later, my younger sister said she quit playing violin because Mr. Ross would feel her up during lessons.

Sorting through quick writings as I gather my ideas together for a bigger story. Another half-hour free-write from Maya Stein’s “Quick and Dirty” series. 

The Walk Home

I could smell out the perverts even before I knew what a pervert was.

Brownies, Girl Scouts, youth groups, teachers, my junior high principal. It always seemed like wherever there were kids; at least a few of the adults were “off”.

30 years later, my younger sister said she quit playing violin because Mr. Ross would feel her up during lessons.

When I was 14, a photographer asked me to climb up a tree while I was wearing a skirt. I started to climb when I realized he was wanting to take pictures of my panties. I didn’t like what he was doing so I came down. He wanted me to have a drink of champagne with him so I would “loosen up” – he kept a bottle and some glasses in his trunk. We could “just sit in the park” like we were “having a picnic”. I refused and wouldn’t get back into his car.

I walked home.

There was a paved pathway through the woods. It occurred to me, as I was walking home, that he might try to follow. I walked quickly, looking over my shoulder as I went.

I tried to tell my mom about him, but she didn’t hear it. It was like she shut a part of her mind off. I don’t understand how she doesn’t recognize that look in men’s eyes. Push. Go on, it’s ok. She, with her soft brown eyes like a doe.

I grew dark. Part of myself dimmed out. And another part of me grew sharp. Soft cheeks, hard heart.

Another time, I was walking with my sister. The walk home. I was 14; she was 12. Two men, in their 20s, cat-called and followed us for a while. We talked to them a little bit. In a weird way it was flattering to get the attention.  We didn’t think much of it. 2 weeks later they kidnapped my sister. They tried to get a ransom. They were caught.

My 12 year-old sister – a child. Teachers, psychologists, principals, church ladies, doctors decided my sister, this child, was a temptress of grown men, that somehow she had caused these men to go wild and steal her away.

She still looked like a little boy.

Dim dim damn.

The walk home is too long now. The walk is home. The walk is home. The walk is home. The shadows are part of the journey, along with the flowers and the trees and the dust and the wind. The walk home. The walk.

The walk home. I kissed him in the doorway of a brick building, around the corner of Mother’s. We had just spent the night dancing. He wore leather pants and a black t-shirt. He caught me looking at his arms. He shouted over the thump of club music, “Are you looking for track marks?” I smiled, “You got me. I can’t help it.” He swigged his beer, “I don’t do needles. I don’t do hard drugs.” So I kissed him in the doorway, shaking, knowing there was no turning back.

The man I lived with, the man who I spent the last seven years of my life with – was out with someone else, too. But I wasn’t like him. This being out was not my style. I didn’t like complications.

I felt like the air, the world had stopped, like I was walking through a postcard on the way home. I tiptoed up the stairs, turned the key slowly in the door.

There was no one home.

New York City is damp in the summer time.

3/16/11

  1. Excellent post today. I really enjoyed it very much thanks!

    Writers Wanted

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  2. great writing Red! I love your spare poetic style!
    heart hugs
    Geordie

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    1. thanks, G – I feel like I’m building up to something. Thanks for the hugs, too!

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  3. Hey Holly, there’s definitely more to this story coming … I agree with you, you might not want to post it on FB just in case. There’s just something ironic about the walk “home” … to an empty place, or, in our childhood, a place that was not always safe. Keep on writin’ sis!
    Lots of love,
    Laura

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    1. i feel like i am strong enough to write about this stuff now. thanks!

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  4. It’s just more understanding of what women are subjected to and how cults of silence or blaming the victim lead to women and girls being completely isolated from public life and dominated. These men feel comfortable enough that their actions will not be reported or that the penalties are not high enough to change their behaviour due to the systemic privilege men engender in our society. More effeminate and minority males are often excluded from this privilege.

    In studies in classrooms, where students were asked to “switch gender” privileges just for the class, male students felt a “loss” and female students a “gain” nearly every time. Probably why masculine lesbians are so ridiculed is to reduce this gain in power.

    I remember your sister speaking to me several times about the other event. I glad she was able to escape that. She should have had much more support for that. Probably one of the reasons we bonded so quickly was we realized the patriarchal world was a lie and that you had to constantly be ready deal with adversaries as a young woman.

    Keep writing, love the new website!
    Randi

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