So yeah – I was on vacation last week. And this is the first vacation that I have had in years. I didn’t go very far – but I had a journey that was intensely breath-taking, soul-touching, and heart-opening. I’m seeing aspects of my life from a new perspective, and have shifted ideas on surrender (which I am sure I will be writing about soon enough). Isn’t new vision what successful holidays are about?
Today is a free write. The topic is from Natalie Goldberg. Her assignment: Tell me everything you know for sure about your life.
I know for sure I have to move my body in order to keep from getting lost in my mind. I know for sure that my mind will take me down if I let it, so I might as well keep on moving – kicking and screaming and fucking and dancing and laughing and tasting and touching.
I know that writing is torturous and sublime. I know for sure when it feels right, my heart can race and I break into a sweat.
I know that I have loved and hated living in a small mountain town – but am past the half-way mark to living here a decade, and that twenty years in New York City was enough. I realize now that I can’t imagine living in the city again – although for a few moments a few months ago, I did imagine it with ardor.
I know for sure I need to figure out how to keep moving in the winter.
I know I need beauty and fresh air and birds singing and to stop looking at the fucking internet. I want to remember life before the internet, life before wifi – old school – payphones. I don’t miss payphones. Once I actually got a cell phone, my bouts of colds and flus pretty much dropped to none. I remember grabbing a payphone and getting slime on my hands. Fuck public phones – but I do love public transportation when it is not rush hour. What I love more is riding my bicycle wherever I need to go.
I know for sure I love my bicycle. It keeps me moving.
I know I need the earth, to experience my physicality as much as possible everyday. I know that after 20 years of looking hard for beauty, and often finding it (with gratitude!) in the smallest cracks in the sidewalk – I don’t want to look that hard anymore.
I know for sure that I want to have fun, but I don’t want to play games – unless they are volleyball or hockey or scrabble.
I know for sure that I love sex, really good sex, and that I will not put up with bad sex – or be in a relationship with scarce sex or no sex. Fuck that.
I know for sure that I can see bullshit coming from miles away but that I don’t always dodge it very well.
I know I like to press my tongue on smooth stones. I am repulsed and fascinated by the chalky spongy sensation of my tongue’s moisture being sucked out.
I know that I say I want to be near the beach but I keep staying in the high desert because I like to choose when I am around lots of people. I know I need to visit the ocean soon. I have no idea if I will get to the beach when I visit New York – I’m getting the feeling that water is going to be a west coast experience from now on.
I know that I like to see softness in things that are hard. I know that I am glad to be a woman, that I love having the body that I have even though I am not always satisfied with it.
What do I know for sure? I know for sure that I couldn’t have said no to save my life.