(Semi-Lucid) Dream Diary 9.21.23

Heavily dreaming. Dreams.
I said, “I’m going back to Arizona.”
Dreamed about Kerry.
I slammed shut the hood of my car, “I’m leaving!”
Leaving. Leaving.
Where am I going?
Ex Boyfriend big guy like my ex boyfriend Joe . . . 
Dreaming in blocks.
Life like blocks. Like segments. Dreary segments.
I woke up and my thought was, “I don’t want to die like this. I don’t want to live like this.”
In limbo, again. In the not-knowing. In the dark. In the loneliness.
The fear inventory is kicking up dreams. Poking my shadows.
I think I need to get to the next place sooner rather than later.
My purpose got shook up. I’m on hold. I’ve put myself on hold — like a scared rabbit.
I’m like a scared rabbit.
What would prosperity do?
I feel like I’m a squatter in my dreams.

Five Tibetan Rites (plus) Video 2 

I have been doing a solve et coagula practice called “The Deepest Fears Inventory” from Carolyn Elliot’s book, Existential Kink. It’s very simple and very deep. Today’s installment is from my journal, from my dreams.

From the first Five Tibetan Rites video:

I began doing the Five Tibetan Rites (a kundalini-style yoga practice) to mark the new Venus Star Point in Leo and the changing of the Lunar Nodes to Aries and Libra. I’m curious to see what happens if I practice these movements daily for this lunar node cycle (18 months – 584 days).

I’ll try to check in weekly.

In the meantime, it has occurred to me that the last 18 months to two years have been massively transitional and so much of my life feels like a blur while simultaneously feeling like it is moving along painfully slowly.

Two years ago I broke up with my partner of almost four years in Arizona, left all of our music projects, moved out of our house, flew out to New York for my Mom’s 80th birthday and discovered she could no longer walk and could barely talk, went back to Arizona and had an art show at the HeArt Box Gallery, left my all-girl band the Lofi Sofias, packed my car and moved back to New York, lived in the city for two months, had a few dates, felt the thrill of the city, moved upstate to help take care of my mom, started a band with my NYC roommate, couldn’t get to the city to rehearse, got really isolated after 11 months of taking care of Mom which was very bad for my mental health, moved to Brooklyn, started making art again, was in a relationship for about a year, had an art show in Kingston New York, broke up the relationship, bounced back and forth between Brooklyn and upstate for almost a year . . . now I am moving from Brooklyn but I don’t know where to next – and I just keep on trusting.

Remembering to breathe. Life goes by so fast. I imagine I’ll look back and think about what an incredible time this actually is.

September 21, 2023
Brooklyn, New York

Image by me called Pisces Full Moon Mary