Born on a Thursday #27 – Finding Home

God, I love my peeps here. Honestly, I’m not that tough. Or maybe, I’m just tired of being tough. I am surrounded by a lot of people who love me, and that’s my choice. It’s taken years to cultivate my relationships – and then some of my new relationships have fallen into place so easily I can hardly believe it! Though I do believe it, because I experience it.

I met my friend Stacy on Tuesday night – we got together to write. I wrote this as a warm-up . . . 

Here I am writing on a Tuesday, but thinking about Thursday (Born on a Thursday). Actually I’m not thinking ’bout Thursday at all, I am thinking how much I love my friend Stacy and this gorgeous town I live in – and the people who live here.

Since going to New York and seeing my family I’d lost a little of my confidence – and I am questioning everything now – even though I know it’s ridiculous. I’m sitting with Stacy right now and we are writing!! Oh boy!

Before we started writing Stacy says to me – Of course you’re a little shaky. Don’t be so hard on your self. You’ve just been through a big break-up, you lost everything, you moved to a new home, you didn’t have a job, you started seeing a new guy, then you went back east and there’s all kinds of stuff going on with your family . . . just be kind to yourself. She reaches out and holds my hand. I give you permission to feel a little uncomfortable.

Well thanks, Girl!!

(Whew! Sometimes a little permission is all a person needs, and compassion, and kindness, and love . . . )

God, I love my peeps here. Honestly, I’m not that tough. Or maybe, I’m just tired of being tough. I am surrounded by a lot of people who love me, and that’s my choice. It’s taken years to cultivate my relationships  – and then some of my new relationships have fallen into place so easily I can hardly believe it! Though I do believe it, because I experience it.

I’m sitting here at Rendezvous, a hotel coffee shop/bar on the corner of San Francisco and Aspen. I like this place – it’s the place where I come when I don’t necessarily need to talk to people, but need to be among people. Of course, I end up talking to people usually anyway.

sunset from the front porch (c) holly troy 2013My heart feels so open – and has been for months now. I’m falling in love with Flagstaff all over again. I am in love with this place. The vibes ebb and flow here – the energy is light and warm right now – and I know, since I’ve done this seasonal dance several times already, that soon it will be cold and harsh and unforgiving – almost — it’s still so beautiful! Just when it seems like it’s too much, I think about summer here. No place compares.

I am remembering the cold caverns of ninth street, East Village, NYC. Fuck, that has got to be the coldest street in America – I mean the wind will whip through you so fast, so bitterly penetrating, you will feel like your bones are cold until July! And the gloomy sky is grey and feels like it’s hanging low, and the buildings are looming and stoney grey, and even the snow, is gritty and grey – for months. That won’t do.

Honestly, winter is just tough for me. It’s learning how to roll with it — get some snow shoes, proper clothing, prepare to turn inward. Yoga! Snuggling! Winter gear! Art! Reading! Fireplaces! 

I still find myself comparing Flagstaff to NYC. There is so much to do in NY, but natural beauty wins out today. It always has. I spent half my life living in NYC, and, for half that time feeling wistful about trees and fresh air and quiet. Ah. When I want noise now, I go to it, rather than try to shut it out. I love that.

Today, I sit in Rendezvous, facing San Francisco Street, the sun is setting, one of my best friends in the world is sitting next to me writing, too, the sweet man that I have been seeing these last couple of months is down the street having dinner with his mom, the weather is perfect, I get loads of exercise everyday, I eat well, I have a lot of laughter in my life – life is good!

I just looked at Stacy, she is smiling!!!!

 

Thanks for reading!
Om Namah Shivaya, 
Holly

  1. Patrick Skidmore August 16, 2013 at 1:12 am

    Rebecca W writes back: “Fiction and poetry are the only way one can stop time and give an account of an experience and nail it down so that it lasts for ever.”
    “It is the soul’s duty to be loyal to its own desires. It must abandon itself to its master passion.”
    “In these pages your imaginations, your desires, your passions are given life; Thoughts take shape that turn into dreams and our aspirations all start with a dream. Reading is where those dreams really can come true over and over again.”

    (& I write)…sitting writing all day here at my own fav bookstore-cafe “office” haunt…It satisfies something deep within just knowing you are there walkin around on your legs tossing your smile hither & thither, your penetrative drinking-it-all-in-at-a-glance-scope piercing sidewalk screens and scenes, scrims and scams (” ‘Hey there buddy do you wanna buy this washingmachine?’–right here on the street.” –The Band). Generally passing incognito, Sun-masked you, across the universe there in the heady hedy lamarr ponderosa-perfumed microcosm that is Flag, w/ its also clovey-cigarette-&-toke cloud shrouded sidestreet corner sidewalks. Georgie bad-to-the-bone Thoroughgood & boys Destroyering the alleyway each early fall evening concert season. By now, though, surely, Mlle Incognita Ilex, every one in town must know you on sight??? ….students new & returning must be fairly well poured back into the village by now, oui?… Wishing you corner vista leg-stretch breaks w/ infinite mtn rim horizons, and a bashingly fine sauntering peaceful world wk-end, Mlle Ilex Vanipani Red Berry.
    Though summer here continues on for the nonce, the fine pine-tangy-scent of your lovely woodbiney words and mtn forest meadow-walk snapshots make me sigh so deeply seeing you w/ my inner eye as that Now Voyager Emily accompanied by her trusty Carlo Dog that you are…liftin it up high & laying it down low–laying it on us all & liftin us all up w/ your world of lovewords & mo’…You go, girl
    …with hither fragrant juniper incense kisses lightly wafted thither upon your clear brow….

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    1. there are juniper babies everywhere right now!

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