You are Beautiful and I Love You

My sister died today. Though I knew deep down that she would die young, I am stunned. When the phone call came today, I knew it was bad news before I picked it up.

It’s not like she was sick, per se, I mean she was sick, but not in the conventional sense. When I say I wasn’t surprised, I meant, she’d been dying for years. She was in a lot of pain for a long time, and actually had reasons for the pain. But, drug addiction is cancer of the soul – and Goddamn – just God-Fucking-Damn-It, all you can fucking do is helplessly wait for death to come. It’s like – ok, this-is-what-happens-which-we-knew-was-going-to-happen-and-now-it-has-happened.

So this sucks.

For most of our lives, our relationship was strained. But, we had some amazing times, too. We drove across the country together in her cream-colored 65 Mustang when I was 18 years-old. It was my first time to Arizona and I stayed in Flagstaff on that trip! We were amazed by the pine trees and how fresh the air was. And the red rocks in Sedona were like nothing we’d ever seen! I’m glad she saw them.

heather circa 1989

Heather, 21 years old. Just before our drive to California – circa 1989

When we returned to New Jersey, our relationship fell apart. For 24 years we couldn’t get our shit together to just be sisters and love one another.

Until this last year.

I am grateful that for the last nine months, she and I were communicating in a good way. I reached out to her last winter while I was going through a hard time, and, she was so fucking clear. She helped me walk through the dark. She was fierce. She told me I was good, and generous, and compassionate, and I decided to fucking believe her.

We made a pact. For three months we tried an experiment. We decided to write to each other every day, “You are beautiful, and I love you” – just to get used to it, ya know, just to get used to how it feels to be loved. And we promised each other that we would not put up with not being cared about and loved by the people in our lives – especially in our romantic relationships.

And it really helped. A lot. It meant a lot. Coming from her from my fractured family, it meant a lot.

Anyway, after three months, we just kept writing to each other.

Love is good. Why stop?

8 thoughts on “You are Beautiful and I Love You

    • Thank you, TJ. I’ve been feeling blue these last couple of days. Had a dream my sister was swept away by the ocean last week. Edges are fuzzy – and it’s ok – better than sharp. xo

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  1. Dear Holly–I’m so sorry I just don’t know what to say. Now she can soar with her own special guardian angel spirits for awhile until she settles into what she wants to do, where she wants/needs to be next.

    It’s so very easy for even the very healthy to get addicted to various drugs/alcohol very quickly and not be able to shake it. Even those who don’t have any great pain that makes them first want to keep using to numb the pain. Which it sounds like your sister did feel a need to do. But virtually any one can be vulnerable to addiction at any time they get exposed to certain substances. Sometimes the addiction is instant–through whatever chemical process. We who are lucky not to be addicted to any substance are just that–very very very lucky.

    I’m so sad to know about your loss.

    But I’m so glad for you and for her that you got to share some good love together recently. That will always be strengthening to you both. Love is all there is. All. So of course she’ll be much better off now and her progress will bless you too, but believe me, I know the sharp edge of your pain.

    Bless you wonderful Holly. Take joy in her vastly improved freedom. When you feel a wave of joy, send her some. It will help her on her journey. And you know from her improved/clarified perspective now, she’s sending joy & loving appreciation to you, too. She can see you from where she is & can only feel a strong wish for your happiness & fulfillment. That’s part of what happens when you separate from the earthly body, you know–you get to see the earthly connections very very clearly, stripped for the time being of all negative ego-boundaries & distortions, and spontaneously feel great compassion & gratitude for everyone. Part of what prepares you for taking your next major growth-phase forward step. She she’s experiencing something very good & wishing the same for you.

    shanti

    Patrick

    “If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he comes next to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.” —Thomas de Quincey (1785-1859)

    “When I have a little money, I buy books; and if I have any left, I buy food and clothes.” — Desiderius Erasmus (1469-1536)

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