This year, November 6th passed – and I was so exhausted from the election drama, that I didn’t think about the passing of my sister. And my brother’s passing last year, coming up just past Thanksgiving.
This morning it felt like I crossed over a bridge, like something new was conceived. New life. And I am relieved. I really am.
When the snow melts (it will melt this week), I will go for a bike ride in honor of my siblings. Sometimes I feel them, especially Heather. Sometimes, butterflies ride alongside me, at my shoulder, and I say “Hello! I see you. Thanks for the visit.”
I have learned more about my family secrets this year – a slow unraveling that is helping me fill in the gaps. The more I learn, the more I am grateful I left home at 16. I don’t think I would be here today if I hadn’t.
I wrote and originally posted You are Beautiful and I Love You on the day of my sister’s death (November 6, 2014).
November 9, 2020
Flagstaff, AZ
My sister died today. Though I knew deep down she would die young, I am stunned. When the phone call came, I knew it was bad news before I picked it up.
It’s not like she was sick, per se, I mean she was sick, but not in the conventional sense. When I say I wasn’t surprised, I meant, she’d been dying for years. She was in a lot of pain for a long time, and actually had reasons for the pain. But, drug addiction is cancer of the soul – and Goddamn – just God-Fucking-Damn-It, all you can fucking do is helplessly wait for death to come. It’s like – ok, this-is-what-happens-which-we-knew-was-going-to-happen-and-now-it-has-happened.
So this sucks.
For most of our lives, our relationship was strained. But, we had some amazing times, too. We drove across the country together in her cream-colored 65 Mustang when I was 18 years-old…
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holly troy ~ sacred folly 
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Dear Holly… I remember when you first posted about your sister. I lost my brother many years ago. I’ve found that it’s a pain that can never be fully healed but it is a permanent reminder of how present, powerful and far-reaching love is. I’ve no doubt that Heather is with you today and all days. Peace. James.
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Peace to you, too, James. Thank you.
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Nodding with Silence and sadness for you, and grace to you on this side of the bridge. May you get beauty-mauled by Sister Sibling Butterflies to color your ride. Not on your face, though, so you can see all the colors flying AND also clearly ahead. No trees please.
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<3
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<3
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Sad.
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yes. yes it is.
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