Born on a Thursday # 38 – What Next?

Relationships excite me and baffle me at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I am swimming in the most luxurious pool, completely relaxed and surrendered to feeling immense pleasure and bliss—and the next minute realizing that what I thought was a dive into deep waters turns out to be the shallow end and I am about to be very hurt when I crash at the bottom. I often don’t know which end is up and I keep thinking I am going to get it right, while at the same time trying to convince myself there is no right or wrong.

flowers etching by holly troy © 2013Studying, writing, working on/with Svadhistana (2nd Chakra) right now. Svadhistana issues are relationships, pleasure, creativity, finances, personal ethics and the right to feel. Of course, at the same time, a lot of those issues are kicked up in my life right now (uncomfortably). I want to detach, and yet, I don’t want to detach. I want to be fully embodied in my experiences. I like pushing my own boundaries, and have been a bit too comfortable with being uncomfortable (accepting stuff that makes me feel unhappy, frustrated, annoyed, demoralized for too long – it’s dishonest, and it blocks love and creativity). Too many externals have been feeling like a dead end right now, feelings deadened, and I need to make a shift before I internalize it.

I know it all starts with breathing, gratitude, and letting go of what cannot be changed. And feeling, and moving, and letting the feelings move, and taking action—even if they are tiny.

A few strokes in a new direction and I know the water will be just fine.

“For a Yogi, nothing is impossible. If something seems impossible, turn it to something difficult. From difficult to something easy. From something easy, to Realization.” Swami Vishnu-devananda

7 thoughts on “Born on a Thursday # 38 – What Next?

  1. ….And I find the “yoga” commericialization/sexualization travesty/controversy quite interesting… …from a somewhat removed vantage-point….

    It would be difficult to succinctly convey my own assessments, pro and con, regarding aspects of the present situation with above mentioned complex—much of which, as I see it, is quite baldly taking a waxy-yellow-build-up on the surface of the lowest level of misunderstanding about yoga and employing it along with utterly fraudulent “sexed-up” glam-puss superficiality to sell generally rather worthless products and/or even just productless plastic packaging in order simply to make money, money, money…and/or also to bask in the false sense of ego-glory that comes from having naïve folks think one is some kind of yoga teacher king or queen. And/or have some tasty seeming babe and/or meaty bone meals to nosh also. What else ya gonna do w/ the cash and celebrity? An extremely old story.

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    1. yes, it is an extremely old story. I go through waves of caring – the last yoga festival I taught at was a wake up call. I realized that I didn’t like feeling like my practice was some kind of show, it is something far more personal that I longed to share. I have backed off from publicly being out there as a teacher since then – preferring practice over business.

      It’s very much like the music business. not all the cream rises to the top, some of it gets stuck in the cracks. And maybe we all don’t need to be at the top . . .

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    2. I think part of what is getting under my skin is objectification in general. It is pervasive, and it disconnects us from one another. That disconnection is numbing. We forget that we are all related, and the more disconnected we become, the less caring we are for one another, for other beings, for the planet. We are easier to abuse and enslave, and/or it is easier for us to become abusers and enslavers – and we hardly even think about it. It’s “just life.”

      I’ve been reading A Language Older Than Words, by Derrick Jensen. The book is part memoir/part eco-warrior social commentary. He is trying to come to a conclusion about how his father could have abused his mother and his siblings and himself – and right off the bat he asks some big questions. “How and why do we numb ourselves to our own experiences? How and why do we deafen ourselves to the voices of others? Who benefits? Who suffers? Is there a connection between the silencing of women, to use one example, and the silencing of the natural world?”

      These are questions that I, in my own way, have been asking myself for a long time, and for me, it seems that when we numb ourselves, when we see ourselves and/or others as objects (as machines or meat puppets floating about in space), we our in compliance with a cycle of insanity and abuse that is so destructive as to not only annihilate our spirits, but eventually our very existence.

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      1. I think you are absolutely right here–tragically. Perhaps not altogether ALL evil sociopathology/psychopathology comes directly from having suffered abuse as a child (in this lifetime), but so much does. I think society is so obviously effed up in so many ways at so many levels that most sensitive children know this and are just not equipped to deal with it and so close up/numb down and or become more cunning, less-humanely strategic just to survive mentally (and otherwise often also physically). EVEN when/if they/we have not been directly abused (sexually/otherwise) by any particular adults (family members, etc); we are all so abused by the conditions prevailing in our society in general…. The heartlessness of human socialization.
        So whether someone like Hitler was in large part acting out of his childhood abuse (beaten regularly by his father, apparently, for being artistically inclined and wanting to grow up to become a painter, and who knows for what other reasons–being perceived as likely to “turn out to be a pansy” etc.). Or perhaps his insanity was caused by other factors, We certainly have mtns of evidence linking abuse as a contributive/causative factor toward future ab-reactive hatred, violence etc.
        So yes, I think we are all so vulnerable, so victimized by the larger social/eco violence of our society that even if we are not DIRECTLY bullied/ abused ourselves, we come of age through years of acute awareness of the imminent demise of the human race/planet Earth through human wickedness and/or mere indifference, needless/heedless errot, etc. (Nukes, etc). I think that scares the sweet bejeezuz out of us all. And that’s just one horror/terror.
        So I think even if we don’t internalize that as self-victimizing warps and/OR some sort of bullying and/or at least objectifying sorts of exploitative insensitivity to our fellows and our planet, then it doesn’t mean it’s because we aren’t victims and aren’t vulnerable…it just means we are luckier than many. Stronger than many AND luckier –but (in my traditional-leaning Dharmic view) that’s due to our having generated a store of good karmic merit toward coming into and staying and growing in(to) this lifetime with the predispositions to be stronger and (otherwise also) luckier.
        But regardless of the issue of karma, and whether we look to abusive conditioning in the slightly more distant past of previous births or only to that of early childhood conditioning in this lifetime, WE’VE ALL BEEN F—D UP BIG TIME at some point(s) in the past. It is simply a matter then of what we can find to do about it NOW NOW NOW.
        And personally I think it only makes sense that we need to do the work of overcoming the bullied/abused conditioning both personal and communal through both inner transformative cultivation (personal spiritual practice, and PERHAPS some forms of psychotherapeutic modalities?–not sure about that second bit in most cases), AND through various forms of commitment to active engagement in social transformative cultivation–ACTIVISM, strategic community planning, etc.
        But that’s just me–a “lifer” spiritual practitioner/teacher/activist AND an eco-social peace and justice and equality activist. But the inner spiritual cultivation and the outer social cultivation can either/both take various forms of expression/engagement.
        Anyway, I really like what you share about your experience w/ & reaction to the current pop “yoga” marketing scheme/ensnarement/objectification/exploitation scene. That scene seems somewhat icky-sticky to me also—I’ve only been practicing/teaching yoga since the late (19)50s / teaching meditation/serving as a spiritual guide since the mid 60s. so I have a somewhat limited view–from days before there was such a thing as sticky mats for asanas, and much else. But there’s also some good in it all, of course, and every little drop of good contributes to the overall good.
        So we all take a hand, take a hand and carry forward, carry it forward, pay it forward and keep on cruisin keep on pushin, chill and advance, chill and advance. Do what we can.
        Peace, Sister Holly Jolly

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  2. Hi Holly – I thought you might like this:

    I knew (slightly) & greatly admired Jetsun Khandro’s father, a great rinpoche & richly humorous/strong/kind person. Her rinpoche uncle was apparently a living legend of a holy madman. I haven’t spent any time with H.E., but she has a very fun-&-strong aspect to her make-up, reminiscent of her father. no surprise.

    You’ve been sending along some very cool stuff of late. Of course I love the trove of quotes you package & mail out. And I find the “yoga” commericialization/sexualization travesty/controversy quite interesting… …from a somewhat removed vantage-point.

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    1. Jetson Khandro is kind. It is interesting about “new age” because recently I have been witnessing people using it as a way to not take responsibility – especially in helping others. I heard of someone saying about a frightened, crying (5 year-old) child at a family gathering “Oh, that child chose her neglectful/abusive parents . . . let the child be, the Law of Attraction says it is her choice to be in that situation.” My argument then is, “Perhaps you subconsciously asked the Law of Attraction to put you in this very situation to help out.” Anyway, a gateway is a good way to think of it.

      It is always so nice to hear from you. I am so sleepy now – otherwise I would write more.

      Om shanti . . .

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