Born on a Thursday #39 – Sometimes What You Want is What You Need

Although I have been divorced for several years, I have let the marriage define my creative life. It’s as if I have been taking my personal freedom back in increments—and it’s not just freedom from the marriage—but from themes of inequality, sexism, and classicism in our society. I am being shown where I currently give up my creative energy, my desire to connect, my need to love and be loved, and what I sacrifice for relationships. Listing my “don’t wants” first, and defining what I do want, then putting them in a playful “what-if” scenario was far more revealing than expected. It was an embodied creative process that is ultimately transformative.

I mentioned that I would write more about the New Moon ritual – that there was a Part Deux.

My experience of thoroughly practicing the ritual with all of the movement involved was grounding. It helped me to embody my thoughts, rather than just write them down on a piece of paper and completely forget about them. It actually took some hours to complete the entire ritual.

I decided to focus on the Second Chakra – which is about the power of relationships, desire and creativity, sexuality, finances, the ability to take care of oneself, and the right to feel.

I have called in the energy of the second chakra big time, especially regarding relationships and feelings, as well as finances. I have never done this before. I have always focused on things like career. This time I looked at how I want to be in the world in terms of my emotional life, my personal and creative relationships, and a creative community.

This is not easy work, but I cannot turn my back on my life—especially regarding relationships and creativity. I feel like I am starting over. I was married almost ten years ago, and the man I married was uncomfortable with my music career. I let his discomfort wear on me, and multiplied it by my own fears and frustrations, and gave up music for the “marriage”. The marriage didn’t last more than two years, but it completely tore the fabric of my idea of who I am, what I am capable of, and what I deserve.

Although I have been divorced for several years, I have let the marriage define my creative life. It’s as if I have been taking my personal freedom back in increments—and it’s not just freedom from the marriage—but from themes of inequality, sexism, and classicism in our society. I am being shown where I currently give up my creative energy, my desire to connect, my need to love and be loved, and what I sacrifice for relationships. Listing my “don’t wants” first, and defining what I do want, then putting them in a playful “what-if” scenario was far more revealing than expected. It was an embodied creative process that is ultimately transformative.

the towerTransformation is not always easy. Last night, I read the tarot for a couple of people, and both pulled The Tower in the position of “what one most wants, and what one most fears.” That card is all about change, upheaval, loss of control—basically chaos. It can also be about a revelation – once you see something, you can’t “unsee” it. I feel like that card was as much for me as it was for the people I was reading for.

The wheels are in motion. The vision was cast. My world is spinning and I am trusting that it is part of an evolutionary process. My ideas about my role in personal and professional relationships, and (mutual) respect are being challenged.

I am uncomfortable.

Part of what I envisioned on the new moon was creative, supportive community. And my friends are appearing.

For example, a few nights ago, it was really, I mean, really cold. I don’t drive. It was after work, and I had a three-plus-mile walk home, with a lot to carry. My gloves weren’t cutting it. It was dark and I had a bag full of groceries as well as a computer. On top of that, I had a hard realization earlier in the day that I was very sad about.

An acquaintance, who is slowly becoming a friend, happened to be in the parking lot as I was walking out of the store. He went out of his way to give me a lift home. During the ride he said, “Pain isn’t suffering. Pain is pain. It’s how your mind responds to pain that is suffering.” Those few sentences helped me immensely. (The ride helped, too).

I had lunch with one of my dearest friends today. She said that we evolve in our relationships, and when the evolution isn’t happening, the relationship needs to go. Yeah. Being present in a conversation with a friend, with a significant other (with anyone) is never a waste of time. It is creative. It is an original exchange, fresh territory every time. It’s being alive.

I want more of that.

I want fun, too. I haven’t had fun in a while. I get really sad when I don’t have fun—and the scary thing is, I get used to sadness all too easily (another reason for relationships and a vibrant community). Last night it was fun meeting people where I was reading tarot with my creative partner Sydney. And right now, my roommate just texted me and invited me to a party tonight. Yeah, I’m going.

Yes, yes, yes.

I was going to write more about another exercise to add to the New Moon ritual – but that can wait until tomorrow. Right now I have a party to enjoy!!

  1. Great reflection – I can hear some of myself in your words too. Thank you for sharing your journey.

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