My friend Patrick asked me what I really want – I mean really want if I had enough money to do whatever I really wanted.
For the first time in a long while (years!), I can honestly say I am doing exactly what I want to be doing. The feeling that I am on the right path, that I am doing the right things, that I am doing what makes me happy, that I feel more peace than struggle (or maybe a balance of peace and struggle)—began to trickle into my awareness in recent weeks.
Yes, I have a part-time job without benefits and have been trying to find work for three years now. Yes, I pretty much own nothing, not even a car. Yes, I need a haircut. Yes, my relationships, though exclusive, are not entirely committed.
The thing that I am most happy about is this huge exploratory project on sexual healing that I am working on with Sydney Francis. It is beginning to take on a life of its own — and we have plans to see that it continues to grow. We are committed to seeing the writing project through and I am thrilled! Working on a deep creative project with another person is essential for my happiness.
Through the project, my energy for painting and drawing has returned. My desire to teach yoga and create more workshops has returned. Considering making music has returned. Being more grounded in my feelings is returning. Enjoying reading tarot is returning. All around, it’s wonderful for me to have a creative anchor.
So, maybe money isn’t exactly flowing in — what’s new? On the bright side, with a part-time job I have the time to dedicate to my creative work, which is far more fulfilling than a job anyway. (I hate sitting at a desk — don’t most people?) In the long-run, the dedication to creative work and urges will pay off.
Continuing on the bright side — not having a car means I am leaving a much smaller carbon footprint while getting exercise, which means my physical health should be better than if I drove around to do all of my daily stuff. Currently I walk or ride my bicycle about 7 to 10 miles about 5 days a week. I’ve been finding that my community comes through if I need a lift somewhere. There are always cabs, the bus, and rental cars when I really need them. (We’ll revisit this feeling about not having a car in February . . . )
Luckily I have pretty decent hair, and my last couple of haircuts were so good, that my hair grows in beautifully. (Thanks, Salvador Calvano! I love you!)
I love being in love. Relationships are my biggest challenge. Sometimes leaving things open-ended makes me uncomfortable, but, imagining spending my life with a person for the rest of time also makes me uncomfortable. I need to feel free while at the same time feeling loved and respected. When I say free, I don’t mean seeing a whole bunch of men at the same time, I mean free to express myself, be creative, enjoy my friends, have fun. I’m pretty free.
(Yes, someday I’d like a home that I share — where we garden and cook and have adventures together, but that isn’t my reality at the moment, which means I’m probably not quite ready for that reality. I also need a lot of space. It’s a process . . . )
Patrick asked me about the big dreams — the day I read his email, I thought, I am doing exactly what I want to be doing. I am alright with where I am at because I am enjoying the process of my life. I know that everything changes, and I am working toward bigger picture things while still enjoying living. As I was falling asleep that night, I did think — I want to be outdoors more. I want to spend more time in nature and being out in places before they are gone . . .
Which led me to thinking about all the things I want to do — which will be the next post. I must get some sleep for now.
Thanks Patrick, for asking. And thanks everyone, for reading.