It was a time when I was alone, not ready to be with anyone. Scorched by the last love affair, nerves still scarred over. It was a Monday night. My friend Leslie texted me, the model for her life drawing class didn’t show up – would I want to model? I said sure, I can be there in 20 minutes. I grabbed a bath robe, drove through the snow, and before I had a chance to think, I was naked in a circle of artists. Next day, I wrote this . . .

First/Last Date and Nothing’s Personal
Feb 12, 2018

Swimming, sifting memories,
pick one pick one pick one.
Guaranteed
to make you cry if
you don’t make it
make you laugh.

I’m trying to laugh at
myself for being so
awkward, so
afraid to let this person in
who is taking
time
to get to know me –
I won’t
let him in,
I won’t I won’t.

I thought I was ready.
Not ready.
Am I ever ready?
Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow.

* * * * 

So what now? I read horoscopes that talk about the Divine bliss of heavenly love. I sit naked for three hours among a group of strangers – nothing personal – and I am relieved that I didn’t choose to isolate. I sit there under their gaze as I think about Lakshmi, Lakshmi, Lakshmi – don’t leave out that beautiful foot, thorax, collarbone, breast. I am so happy not to be in my own thoughts tonight – I am the object – bruises, burns, and scars. Fade away. Lakshmi enters in and I am all planes and lines. I have never seen myself drawn in charcoal – oh – nothing personal. Muscles and softness. Soft belly and strong torso, strong legs, strong arms. breasts. who am I ? Drawing me as they see me, nothing personal, interpreting what they see. Eye to hand does not always translate exactly – rather the movement makes its own language. That is the surprise of life drawing.

Dreamed I was with a group of artist on the Lower East Side rubble ride my bike there. Francis is introducing the group to the group. He is surprised I look so good. I am surprised he looks like he is 32, when I fell in love with him. He asks me in front of everyone – Do you still swing with women? And I say – What do you think? And Frederica is there and Madelon and people I don’t know but I am happy to be with them because we are making something, doing something. Doing something and it is bigger than ourselves.