This must be from November 2006. I was me, but a different version of myself. I was angry, disappointed, resentful. I lived in Manhattan and worked on a trading-floor of a foreign investment bank. My husband and I hated/loved/hated each other. We made quite a bit of money and paid far too much for rent. I did not feel safe at work or at home. I was lonely. I was not making art or music. I was not practicing yoga. I was sneaking out to ride my bike, to take walks, to get fresh air, to be with friends.
That month, I was hospitalized and diagnosed with a life-threatening, stress-related illness. I realized that the only way things were going to change for the better for me was if I walked away from everything that did not bring me happiness. I realized I had to change or die.
I wasn’t going to share the writing from another time in my life where I was not so happy, not so healthy. But, this is where I’ve been – and I am sifting through it – the past. I was attempting to write a story to heal from my life while I felt trapped in my circumstance at the same time. It was difficult to concentrate, I had intrusive thoughts. I thought if I just tried, something would happen. Some of the stories and fragments are reminders – the edges I have tested. Some themes still resurface, and some fade away.
Mostly I am very happy today – and – some recent events are causing me to consider a change of circumstance again. I could be making more room for my heart’s creative desires. That’s good. Some things aren’t working for me anymore. It’s good to acknowledge the issues and make a shift rather than wallow in shit.
“The only way to deal with an un-free world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” — Albert Camus (1913-1960)
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I want to write about Halloween, magic things, crystal balls, real crystal balls, rattles, snake skins, squats—I can’t help it, I lived them. OD’ing in a hotel room, watching my face fade away in the mirror thinking, “I’m going to die here. I’m going to die and nobody is going to care.” I figured Luke would just leave the hotel without saying a word, let them find me dead. But he didn’t. He threw me in a cold shower and revived me.
Was I born with a heart murmur, or did I create it? Did the world create it?
Is my husband taking a shower or am I just hoping. I’ll bet he’s washing his hair and that is all. He doesn’t smell his own ass yet. Not time to take a shower.
Not sure how I feel about typing out my novel as opposed to writing it out by hand first. I guess it’s a start. Something different. I can write by hand, too.
Husband, did you just wash your hair? Are you teasing me? Why do you do that?
I want to write that I want him need him more than he understands. I wish he’d get it, but he doesn’t.
I want to write about my crazy lovely friend Annavie who moved back to South Africa. I miss her.
I want to write about another crazy friend who lives in a dome in Guatemala.
I want to write about a girl whose dream it is to drive across the country.
I don’t want to write about disappointment. I think that’s why I am so afraid to write. Or why I don’t write. I am so disappointed. I’d like to quit my job and not think about it ever again. Not think about any of those people.
I’d like to write about winning $25,000.00.
I’d like to write about my hometown—how scary fundamentalists thought I was the child of Satan.
I’d like to write about how much I love Neil Young.
I’d like to go to the West Coast and stay there. Someday I will. Someday I will. I wish S— had a bug for adventure like I do.
I want to write about something that I can have fun with and be proud of.
6 thoughts on “Backworld slipping is not an option”
Happy Mother’s Day, even if you’re just a mother for your pet only. We all go through hardships and trying times but hopefully with our resiliency and determination to keep heading forwards, we will see better times ahead. Keep being you and doing what makes you happy!
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Thank you, David! Life has some contracts every now and then, and we get to smooth out the rough edges. Have an amazing day!
Life sure does and we can all attest that our roads aren’t always that smooth nor are they straight. I’ve od numerous times waking up in ICU’s anywhere from a few days to almost a month in a comma. I tried just about every drug that’s available and I was addicted to crack and heroin for over 2 decades but I’m doing a lot better now for the past couple of years. Thank you, I will and the same to you too!
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I can relate. Sometimes we take those side roads because the direct route doesn’t make any sense. I am so glad you are doing a lot better!
Thank you and I’m glad that Luke did the right thing for your needs too. Cheers!
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I’m glad I’m still here. That was a long time ago (30 years ago)! Wow.