Throw Back to Now

25 Year Long Reverb

Yay! The song Aliens from my 90s band the Halfbreeds is on the latest podcast episode of The SpeLcast Castaways: Bottle Drop 202.

The SpelCast is a surreal comedy hørspiel & musical variety show podcast from alphabet city, nyc.

This podcast is a walk down memory lane! I miss the hyperactive creativity of New York in the 90s.
Michael Buscemi has a part in the espisode. He and I were in the same weird scene back then – and he captures the energy of New York from that time. There was so much creativity drenching the air!
And swoon! Mike Fielding, who plays Naboo on the Mighty Boosh is also part of the cast. Mind is blown. I am a huge fan of the Boosh! 
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#naboo #themightyboosh #castaways

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I’ll have a (some?) speaking part(s) in (a) future episode!

Episode 209: Witchcraft The SpeLcasT

Annabelle falls into the practice of Witchcraft after meeting Leeleelala in a thrift shop. Meanwhile the tenants of her building are blaiming her for the electrical blackouts. With Katrina Mitilenes, Laure LoGiudice, Veronica Zouiwitch, Lea Furnion and Friends and Family. With a special appearance from Nick Zedd of the Cimema of Transgression and a tour of the Jonas Mekas exhibition at Ki Smith Gallery. Songs by Amanda Dutkiewics, Katrina Mitilenes and Stevie Weinstein-Foner. Music by Kit Krash and Jackson Scott.
  1. Episode 209: Witchcraft
  2. Episode 208: Werewolves Remastered
  3. Episode 207: Sing-A-Long: The Wolves Song (Breaking All The Rules)
  4. Episode 206: Shanghaid!
  5. Episode 205: Assortment

Keep on creating! Sometimes your art is the message in a bottle – you never know where it will end up.

Image by Kit Krash of the SpelCast

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Holly hails from an illustrious lineage of fortune tellers, yogis, folk healers, troubadours and poets of the fine and mystical arts. Shape-shifting Tantric Siren of the Lunar Mysteries, she surfs the ebbs and flows of the multiverse on the Pure Sound of Creation. Her alchemy is Sacred Folly — revolutionary transformation through Love, deep play, Beauty, and music.

31 thoughts on “Throw Back to Now

  1. And, you’ve told that story about the marriage and divorce and move out West, where he wasn’t “allowing” you to do things. Toxic, and so glad you unbolted his grip and bolted back out into your life YOUR way. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “and I found an unreleased live studio recording that blew my mind. I had no idea how good we were while it was happening. ” SO cool, and NO surprise, either. You were IN it, and it’s sometimes hard to see and own how good something is when you are focused into the love of doing it.

    We would listen to that bootleg tape, then The Juliana Hatfield Three, Shawn Colvin… I remember getting a little unsettled one day going, “that cassette is going to be trashed soon no matter how carefully we keep the tension right with a pencil each time we play it.” To the chagrin of my roommates the tape disappeared for a week. Hmmmm, wonder where it went. I’m no good as a liar, so they KNEW I was up to something, wouldn’t back off, though each night I would pop the cassette into my SoundDesign double cassette player and record each side on TDK 90s.

    A week later, I put the original under my friend’s pillow like the tooth fairy. He comes sprinting up the stairs and DOOOODDDDD WHY????!!! Why did you do that?!! I KNOW it was YOU!!!! (He was stomping around and laughing the whole time like a kid opening presents). From behind me roommate #3 goes, “DOOD yourSELF! Look at this bounty!!! Stacked on the stereo!!! I had made 10 copies and left the note. “This experience can’t get buzzkilled because the tape gets old. I didn;t make NYC with you guys, so I’m not missing it again. So, before that happened… Now, continue to enjoy now.” I have NO idea where they are now. Most likely lost in a move when x y or z box disappears along the way with them and other things.”

    SO cool to resurrect those times and mine the music into now… Quite a… wait for it… Throwback To Now. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love this story so much! I feel like I am jumping timelines sometimes – getting off one train and onto another – and this story helps me feel like I recently jumped onto a train I want to be on. Confirmation. I know everything is changing, is changed – even on a cosmic level as you know – and I’ve been encouraging people imagine and seed the new reality they want and it feels like some of those seeds are beginning to sprout. Or I am at least using the proper fertilizer. 🙂

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      1. Yes, you are… and… I feel it’s also that we both and Paul set And planted those perennials we believed in to naturalize 20-30+ years ago, and we, now as Soul Gardeners, have stepped back into the “NOPE, I do it this way” celestial groove to own back into our work magnetic in our own gravity. No explanations. No reasons, as those are most often apologetically unreasonable. Can’t have that, or simply will not allow those weeds in.

        Now is of course always now, though after all this life experience I feel more like I live with the Wolves, and my Lyra, and Merc (inside). They are honest. They are powerful. They are stealthy, And, they are also intensely present. They will also bite the f out of you if your behavior warrants it. She hasn’t bitten me, though once, playing, I nuzzled my head into her belly and she snipped out. So, just sayin’ about the playin’. They’ll let you know. And, when they don’t? Queen of Swords level comms. No news is good news.

        Someone tried to pickpocket me a couple of weeks ago. I cock my head now remembering. I felt the subtle nudge-push, clapped my hand over whatever it was like swatting a fly, clamped down, and squatted. Turned around to see what’s what, an lo and behold some random dood flat on the concrete full-on joint-locked. Frankly, glad I wasn’t REALLY present, so I didn’t step on the gas in my initial clamp and drop — so his forearm remained unbroken. I laugh, because I didn’t judge him after. I had no hubris that I schooled him from a fully unconscious and actionable perspective. I laugh, because all that happened was I started chuckling and said, “WHOAH! Gravity is strong in you, dood. Straight to the ground. Kudos for your directness,” as I released his joint-locked wrist and continued on my merry way to Walgreens. There was not blood from his slam-fest into the sidewalk, so I figured he could take responsibility to take it from there without help. He wasn’t there when I came back down the same way, so maybe he’s doing alright. I hope so.

        Gravity, though. I think we are reaping the Soul Garden Perennials we planted back then. Even Rob Brezny has been Astro-ing about picking up old work in ways evolved to now. Heck, don’t need him to tell me that shit’s getting real in DAYum great ways. Though, of course it rocks to hear him parrot what I’m already doing. It’s like Community Service Support.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’ll add… It’s not that the Universe is trying to rob me of anything, or even test me. Simply wrong place, wrong time, for both of us… as I laugh that there are some sloppy pickpockets out there now who aren’t vetting their victims. Opportunists? I don;t know. What are they going to do? Steal my debt? If they’re in it for the money, I suggest they go elsewhere. They’re attempting to pick the wrong pocket.

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          1. Thank you! I was hoping that I hadn’t struck a nerve with The Juliana Hatfield Three relative to the HalfBreeds. We always wondered “Where did the Halfbreeds go? They were rockin’ our world, and then they weren’t. Where’d they go?” I would be remiss of I did’t step up and say…. through Juliana Hatfield continued, I don’t think she ever got past “Sister.: It’s an amazing song, and she did great work after, even today covering The Police, though it feels like she’s lost back there somewhere in the Land of “Sister” as her glass ceiling. I may be full-on off-base, though when I watch her now from when they played their Police covers recently, I can’t help but feel, “Sister, you’ve gotta put that ship into the ground. Gotta wreck it. You still want to go on? Cool. Wreck it. Put it into the ground. Start over. Refresh and don’t get starstruck by your own success.”

            That’s just me in conjecture, though she has not inspired me since “Sister.” And, that’s a long time. I mean, it’s of course NOT her job to impress me, though… I respect you for leaving/falling off/etc and coming back now than her …. DOODETTE, the horse is dead. Stop kicking it. … kinda thing, I kinda wonder if I’m being too judgmental here, or if I’m simply expressing things I saw (that were unsaid/invisible/my clients mentioned) that she/band/producer didn’t make public. Seeing her do The Police Covers is actually painful to watch. I haven’t gotten though one whole song without hitting Pause, and moving on with a grossed out willie shivers NEXT kind of feeling.

            I may be over=eating. Or, somethings’s there and I’m simply not approaching it directly in a way to properly experience an accurate awareness of it. (To be continued… or not)

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            1. I was thinking – so funny – yesterday when I responded I was very very tired. I’ve been very tired (getting to the bottom of it with my naturopath) – so my responses are not as long as I like. I was thinking Shawn Colvin and Juliana Hatfield – not bad company. Though I never really followed Juliana – I am now curious. I saw Shawn Colvin perform once – She played with James Taylor in NYC at a fundraiser for the Rainforest Coalition (or was it Rainbow Coalition?). I love her voice.

              And sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we kept going? The Halfbreeds stayed together until 98, recorded a full-length album’s worth of material and never released it. I remember though, thinking something needed to change, or we needed a break – I needed a break, cuz the last couple of gigs . . . it was like putting energy out there and it just getting sucked away. No reflection back from the audience – it was like playing to static. After the band split, I took a year of college in Tucson, AZ and after that came back to New York. – I was in a performance ritual group called Circle of Soul, a groovy little trio called the Moldy Dogs, and then an American band imitating a Japanese band imitating an American band called Gaijun a-Go-Go (we sang everything in Japanese – but I was a side person in that group who kept stepping on the lead’s toes), and then, Powder. Powder was my last band – and we were on fire!

              I was very ambitious – I had to be. Being on my own (to save my own life) since I was 16, I knew life and creativity was constant invention. I put my first band together at 15, played CBGBs at 16. Maybe by the time I was 33 (when I got married) I was a little bit tired. And when I returned to New York (1999) after my year in Arizona, I found myself relying on my family while I pulled myself together financially. (Tucson wiped me out financially – horrible place for money, at least for me) It was a big mistake, letting my family into my life.

              It was my Saturn return as well. While I was soaring musically and creatively – dealing with my family was like emotional whiplash. I rented an apartment from my aunt and her girlfriend – and it seemed I could never quite pull enough money together to move out. Every time I saw them, they fucked with me, “We are concerned about you . . . it seems like you are losing it. . . you are a selfish bitch . . . you are wonderful . . . we are worried . . . there is something wrong with you . . . there is something wrong with you . . . there is something wrong with you . . . ” Same old shit from when I was a kid, and I think magnified by my aunt’s girlfriend – who eventually scammed my aunt and took her for her pension and her home in Brooklyn. And I saw the girlfriend’s scam happening – that’s one of my curses and gifts – seeing things unfold before they do (and when the narcissist/scammer knows you are onto them, they do all they can to discredit you).

              Anyway, by the time I was 33, things were coming together for me I had an amazing apartment, was playing in a great band, and finally graduated from college – Magna Cum Laude. Then I said, ‘I do,” and my life fell apart. It was like being strangled – I should have gotten divorced immediately. Instead,I Iet go of my apartment, moved to a neighborhood far away from all my friends, and got a job at an investment bank. Ultimately I married what I knew, what I grew up with – manipulation and sociopathic behavior. I really tried – but I became very ill – “normal” life was killing me. I developed holes in my intestines (talk about first chakra and the right to be alive issues). I knew that if I stayed, and tried to be “normal” – I would probably get cancer and be dead by the time I was 40.

              Conventional life is just not for me – I love working hard on what turns me on – and that’s music and writing and fine and esoteric arts – as well as riding the heck out of my bike on mountains and doing yoga and weird meditations. Over the last decade and half, I have done a lot of work psychological and spiritual work on myself, and have surrounded myself with kind and creative people. I don’t let people in my life who would tell me my life, my way of being is wrong because it doesn’t fit their idea of what life “should” be. And I love my mom, and even my aunt, but I cannot live near them. There is a reason I am thousands of miles away. It is healthier for me. During my detour from music, I dove more deeply into my other interests – when I came to Flagstaff I was teaching a lot of yoga – at one point 13 classes a week, meditation, writing, cycling. When the music started happening again, I just stepped into it – just like I had when I was a kid.

              And my life is good. Everything that happens is just part of what makes life rich. And shit is fertilizer. I am lucky, I think, that I have a Sagittarius rising – cuz no matter what – even with ultimate frustrations and sorrows, I have had the uncanny ability to say – What’s the gift here? And keep on going.

              I was tired yesterday – have been tired. A friend reminded me, I am going through grief. Oh yeah. Right. Beloved pets leaving the planet. Loss of gigs and travel. It’s ok to read a good book (M Train by Patti Smith) while lying in bed. Paul went to a party/wake for Duke – I was invited, too, of course. Partly to say good-bye to Duke and to perform music. I did not go – and it was good – seemed like too many people were probably there for my nervous system to handle – and everyone trying to distance. It was a proper Irish wake with fine Irish whisky and singing and music. Paul needed it. I am glad he went.

              So – yes – beating a dead horse is the worst! I think my dead horse probably was my marriage – far more private than beating a dead music career!

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Such a wondrous splendor of a share, Holly. I’m grateful you storied the past here. Yes on all, and yes on stepping back in in round 2 as the Chiron Return is occurring. I just finished mine-ish last year, and all the owning up to what really turns me on in my life and work… excellent garden prep for the Saturn Return in 6-7 years.

                I’m working more on developing my “Death As The Master Gardener” spread and articles into a larger work, and thought you might like this for your “shit makes good fertilizer” — it’s just human shit is too Nitrogen hot so to speak psychologically and takes a long time to cure out into nourishment. 🙂 Try this next one on for size…

                “Death is the mother of memory, the nourishment for dreams. We do not grieve loss so much as we grieve change. Adapting is a thrival in itself. Grief… We each grieve differently, and we each grieve differently each time. Death is the mother of memory and the nourishment for dreams in this long-form Birth-And-Death we call life.”

                I’m honored and cherish that Paul expressed he is a fan of mine. I’m a fan of you and Paul as well.

                … or, iteration, re-iteration from Rick Levine.

                Liked by 1 person

                1. You sure may! Funny, you changed it. I like what you did there. I’ll keep mine as is in my work though. Now, you have 2 options 🙂 :
                  Death As The Master Gardener
                  Death Has The Master Gardener (kidnapped or in its employe?)

                  Use either at will. I’ll look forward to seeing where you take it in lyrics and music. Pretty exciting actually. Thanks for asking.

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                2. Holly, in regards to the exhaustion. I don;t often experience that directly, and I know that from work, it’s certainly present, though I’ve also been thinking about Astro and energetic stuff. Last night I wrote a piece, handwritten I’ve been asked to submit for my Land of Mystereum deck to a Major Tarot organization. 🙂 15-20 minutes, the MOST of it just poured out, and this morning I felt like I had been in the ring fighting. Exhaustion Hit by a freight train. SO, there’s one component, the energetic output of creativity, call it Psychological sprints and exercise. Also, though, over the last month+ there have been so many transiting Rx planets and asteroids, and Retrograde for slower moving bodies basically mean they’re parked. It has felt like everyone in the solar system is parked and emanating everything all the time. It’s really full and robust, and also quite the energetic tug-o-war syrup to swim in and through. I’m wondering if that’s even more primary. Like last night, I simply focused, and I might as well have turned the spigot on high for 15 minutes, and then turned it off just as easily.

                  There are a lot of components these days besides Covid that require energy management. I wonder if that is also contributing to your tiredness. Plus, from my perspective some forms of depression and/or low energy periods are simply not dialing into what you love, getting indentured-stuck in navigating unfulfilling waters… and then, my clue to that? “Depletion indicates mis-spent efforts.” I spoke that line from my XV The Devil card in The Land of Mystereum companion book… The Devil on one level being about syncing with one’s earthly desires and goat (Ego radar) energies AND aligning to work with one’s natural and developed intensities.

                  Simply some thoughts about being tired and/or exhausted. I feel like we are all using a lot of (inner computer) RAM these days for even simple things. Like too many programs opened up and running at once which slow down whichever one you are working with at any given time.

                  I’m super enthusiastic, though, to see how the Death As/Has The Master Gardener expression cross-pollinates with your creative garden. Heck, maybe makes a new perennial.

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                3. Oh yes, all the retrograde planets! And “mis-spent efforts”. I’m trying to reign those in. For instance, last night, I might have been able to rally – but I really wasn’t up for joining a (very nice) group of people for a sloppy drunken music jam. I was never a fan of the Grateful Dead and any kind of jamming, and I find the jams get tiresome if they don’t click. When they do click, they are great – but I could not take the chance. (Paul told me it would have been rough for me had I gone. Intuition.) Being in a hippy mountain town, this is what a lot of playing together is. I like to focus and work when I am making music – I think likely because it is a creative effort, and as you experienced with your writing – a psychological sprint – so I want to make the most of it. I like being clear and focused – and – most importantly in time and tune! (lol)

                  Another thing that I recognize is that I love connecting and creating – in real time and space – with others. I like the stimulation of other artists. And, I don’t get that here. That is the biggest thing I miss about not living in NYC. I still practice with the Lofi Sofias – outside and non-electric generally. And our drummer disappeared when Covid hit – I don’t know if she is coming back. As far as response time goes – most of that sort of gratification from face-to-face creativity and communication is delayed.

                  These conversations through the blog are great! They are very nurturing stimulating! I am very grateful!

                  We shall see what happens with the Master Gardener!

                  Liked by 1 person

                4. Interesting, too. I’ve never resonated with the Grateful Dead. People in Denver would look at me like I had two heads when it came up, and all I could do is “Oh well” and smilingly shrug my shoulders with a “Nope. Doesn’t move me. Is actually a torture of sorts. They are super talented and groove together well, though, Nope.” Plus, I hear with jams. They are great when they sync up, though when it’s musical start-n-stop bumper cars, it’s painful. 🙂

                  Liked by 1 person

                5. I much rather have you plant the credit as a footnote that functions more as one of your Writing Prompts, and then your work shines. Like you picked up a magic bean and POOF YOU grew a song that takes people places — or ha! Does whatever you feel it to. I’m not saying to hide or diminish the credit, though it does feel like T.S. Eliot’s quote (that he stole from me 100 years before my birth) “Good poets borrow. Great poets steal.” I love that expression about how we take something and full-on make it our own. 🙂 I find there is often a forgetting that is for getting when being inspired and lifting words that move me to plant them and seamless segue the cutting so to speak into my garden to grow my Soul Gardener’s gardening way.

                  You have license to use it in any way you want or need, even to cut it up and plant it all over. Your Life, Your Way.

                  Liked by 1 person

  3. JOrdan – that is so awesome~~~!! Yup – that’s me – Queen of the Nile! Slip inSide this House – that was our first performance of that song – I hadn’t memorize the lyrics yet. It was out tribute to Roky Erickson.That was one of my favorite shows.

    Nice to hear some folks were obsessed – and that it circles around to one of your friends!!! WOW! I love it.

    Paul is tickled. He says – I can’t wait to meet Jordan. I am a fan.

    I found a shoebox full of tapes a few days ago – and I found an unreleased live studio recording that blew my mind. I had no idea how good we were while it was happening. There is a long story around my 14 year radio silence – and my return to music. It includes a marriage and a divorce and a big move out west.

    More music, full rock-n-roll to come. Plus, once Paul digitizes that tape – I will share it! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ConGRATULATIONS, Holly!!!! The Halfbreeds? WHOAH! A friend returned to Denver from NYC in 1995 with DOODICUS, Jordan! We have to find this band! The Halfbreeds. You have to hear this! There’s this Queen of the Nile chic Holly Troy and she belts it. I went to The Lion’s Den when I was there and… wow, way too bad you couldn’t make the trip.

    It’s a small world, Holly… though, I wouldn’t want to paint it. (Steven Wright).

    Congratulations and this is so wonderfully wicked scary made cool… The Halfbreeds. He was obsessed. It was like having a cat run around dancing and keeping the energy in the house stirred up and fresh. His bootleg recording was ultra-crappy, but that didn’t matter. You could still feel it! I had NO idea until just now that was YOU! Go Holly! I LOVE your, “Sometimes your art is the message in a bottle – you never know where it will end up.” I can’t believe I hadn’t made it further down on your YouTube Channel. You fixed that with me going searching for Aliens. SO cool!


    1. JOrdan – that is so awesome~~~!! Yup – that’s me – Queen of the Nile! Slip inSide this House – that was our first performance of that song – I hadn’t memorize the lyrics yet. It was out tribute to Roky Erickson.That was one of my favorite shows.

      Nice to hear some folks were obsessed – and that it circles around to one of your friends!!! WOW! I love it.

      Paul is tickled. He says – I can’t wait to meet Jordan. I am a fan.

      I found a shoebox full of tapes a few days ago – and I found an unreleased live studio recording that blew my mind. I had no idea how good we were while it was happening. There is a long story around my 14 year radio silence – and my return to music. It includes a marriage and a divorce and a big move out west.

      More music, full rock-n-roll to come. Plus, once Paul digitizes that tape – I will share it! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

          1. Me, too! I’ve been wondering now if I’ve passed you and Paul on the street or in a grocery store somewhere… or at a gas station when one of is driving through the other’s stomping grounds on the way to… the miles apart of strangers looking at produce. One at the jicama, one at the avocadoes, another at the bananas… that years later come together to meet over their own respective SAME professions and loves. Big smile from here. 🙂

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