It is starting to feel like autumn here – leaves are changing and their dry scent is in the air.
It feels like things are moving in slow motion, energy is low, and there is more looking back than there is looking forward. I’m trying to get used to the pace, and often failing. Something is shifting though, I’m not sure where/what I am trying to get to so quickly. I’m trying to let this be a meditation now.
I’m future-oriented. I don’t know if I am going to be able to stay in Flagstaff, or if I want to stay here. We’ve been looking to move to a different rental home, but most places that are nice are short-term now – and – pricey! I might feel differently once we are able to gig again. Playing with my band is great, and that would be hard to leave. With my low energy, I really have to push myself to bike (which I do), but it’s a challenge.
I am looking at some possible health reasons for the low energy, too – a slight thyroid imbalance. I’m sure it’s a combination of things.
Is it collective inertia? Are we all tired of worldwide events? Domestic events?
Ok, I will say that being American with our current president is wearing me down. The daily dose of gaslighting, vulgarity, bullying, projection and abuse is astounding. I left home at 16 for the same behavior. And my marriage. It took some hard lessons, but, if you show me who you are, I believe you. No more benefit of the doubt when it comes to maltreatment in any form. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s not. Period. I think abuse is a collective problem possibly coming to a head and playing out in our politics. A theory anyway. And it comes back to questions of power – and what we believe power actually is.
Getting together with the Lofi Sofias is going to slow down – probably by the end of this month. Jessica and I get together and workshop songs, but the rest of the band is up for outside rehearsals only. Jessica is part of my pandemic pod I suppose. It’s a highlight of my week, playing guitar with her, and I don’t see many people outside of my house but for the folks who work at the local Natural Grocers.
Last night Jessica and I worked out harmonies to a new song called Hungry Ghosts. I love the sound. I love the way we work together.
For months, I slowly saved a few dollars a day, and finally bought a Telecaster. This one is more middle-of-the-road, not the cheapest nor the most expensive. The price jumped about $1300 for a next-level lefty. I’m really happy with my guitar, and I feel much more inspired to play. I had no idea how fun it could be to rock out with guitar. It’s like a shield in a way, I never realized how naked it can feel to just sing.
Paul and I have been working on new songs. It is work, but it’s fun. A couple of weeks ago, we visited some neighbors and gave them a back yard concert. One of the themes I’m hearing is people are really missing live music. I miss it.
I miss getting together at a cafe with friends and writing. Working. I noticed one of my coffee shops has open tables outside – I may start going there just to get out of the house and feel the energy of people. At least the people at cafes. Creative energy bubbling.
Another one of my paintings has found a new home. Now there is one in Maine, one in San Diego, two in Flagstaff, and the latest is going to Oregon. I wish I could travel with them – maybe when the pandemic is over I’ll be able to hand-deliver some of my work. Book some gigs around the trip! That would be fun. Some music and teaching live workshops. Next year. Next year.
It’s time to get back into the studio and paint.
And now that I have been making art and music and teaching some and doing tarot for a living for a little over a year now – I think I cannot turn back, I think I cannot give in to going back to a day job (not that there are any available anyway).
I started very young, making art and selling it, making music and performing, and being a paid writer. The first time I played at CBGB’s I was sixteen years-old, and the last time I played, the last show I ever played for fourteen years, was in 2003. I was 32 years old. When the music stopped, the creativity stopped. I am now a late bloomer I suppose – but all of that experience is there – even with a fourteen year gap. It’s still fun, it’s still feels meaningful, and I still work hard at it. I like working at creating things.
Art is not a luxury. Art is essential. Its purpose is to reflect, convey, express the beauty and the struggle of what it is to be human. Amanda Palmer inspires me with her courage, compassion, and vulnerability. Today I listened to the first episode to her Podcast – The Art of Asking Everything, and I feel reinvigorated to keep on going. All the good stuff is there – art, spirituality, feminism, humanity. I love the title – Bullshit is Everywhere – and of course, the conversation is amazing.
I am also inspired by many bloggers – at the moment deeply inspired by the art of photographer/journalist John Wreford, poet/writer/collagist Nick Reeves, and architect/tarot/psycho-spiritualist/philosopher Jordan Hoggard.
Ok! Time to do my scales. Thanks for reading!
Header image: thumbnail sketch I call North Node.