Grateful Blessings and Navigating the Strangeness
I’m so glad we got away – we stayed at our friends’ house and watched their pets. It’s really the first time we went anywhere and stayed away (together) since last Christmas. Being at home has been challenging for us since our plans for 2020 were to tour with music and workshops. We are both introverted, but, we also really value face-to-face connection and seeing new places, especially when it’s creative and/or transformative. I’ve been working, imagining this year as meditative and transformative, but there have been some real points of tension, grief, doubt, fear, and general disagreement.
I’ve figured out, too, that I am way less introverted than I thought. This “lockdown” has had me thinking about my childhood quite a bit. I grew up in a large family. I had three sisters, and sometimes my two step-brothers lived with us as well. So, at least six people in a house with three bedrooms and one bathroom. And sometimes there were eight. I adapted to abuse by being alone and riding my bike, walking in the woods, drawing, writing, reading, and hanging out in pine trees where no one could see me. When I was a kid, I wished I could live in the city so I could have a larger pool of people from which to befriend.
The conundrum is, I love nature, and, I love people. I love coffee shops and used bookstores. I love artists and freaks and musicians. I love doing weird rituals, and learning about other cultures. I love talking about creativity and the creative process and human nature. I lived in Manhattan for twenty years, and I struggled with not having quiet and “nature” – but I had such a wild creative life for most of the time I lived there. I cultivated a sense of spirituality and got into meditation and yoga. I went to art school. I learned how to write, and sing, and paint. If I could have afforded a house in the country and an apartment in the city I would never have left. (If I could have afforded the rent, I would have never left). Ha!
And, I’ve been living in Northern Arizona for thirteen years – and this year has been freakin’ lonely. I feel like I felt when I was kid, just wanting some connection, and creative play. Without seeing people face-to-face, writing, painting – all of this creative work – is more lonely than usual. Flagstaff is famous for “poverty with a view” and, no matter how I spin it, at least in the last year, “poverty with a view” is getting old. As rents and housing prices sky rocket, without owning anything, the consideration to leave this place is more real than ever.
After experiencing the spaciousness of the southwest – I doubt I could live on the east coast again. Unless I traveled a lot. But I am feeling the same way about Flagstaff, too. I’m not sure if this place will remain “home”.
In the meantime, I have projects. Music and art and workshops all gestating simultaneously. And maybe a writer’s group, too. Jobs don’t pay enough, so I’ve been inventing my own way of surviving. If I’m gonna scrape by, I might as well do it creatively. And, there is always a chance to really thrive when you do it for yourself – I’m figuring it out as I go. It was happening before the pandemic, now it’s in fits and spurts. There is an emotional component to all of this change in the way the world is doing things that has slowed my ability to be as productive as I would have liked – and – well – that’s the nature of grief (for me). And, there are some health aspects, too, that I am navigating (I’m fine, just a wee bit of hypothyroidism that makes some days and my metabolism move like sludge). Sometimes I am frustrated with myself for not adapting so quickly to not modeling, not teaching live classes, not rehearsing indoors, not playing shows, not touring . . . and all I can do is acknowledge it and get on with it.
I have a lot of ideas. I’m hoping once I get my energy/body/metabolism calibrated, I can act on more of them. That’s the intention.
I am sharing this because maybe some folks are feeling the same way(?). What a weird year it’s been, with grinding halt changes. Banging the rust off the gears to get them cranking feels like a daily process. As I’m trusting in the planning as well as the not-knowing of what’s next, that process is getting a bit smoother. I trust that before I know it, the gears will be well-lubricated and rust will be a thing of the past.
I am grateful for my life.
And music. Music is the balm! We made some music this week!
Paul wanted to cover Love Rescue Me by U2 – so we learned it and made a video.
I posted this message with the video:
2020 is almost over – and things will get better.
Astrologically, Saturn and Jupiter are moving into and conjuncting at 0 degrees Aquarius on December 21, 2020 – signaling a big shift from dense earth energy to quicker moving, mental air energy. This conjunction is going to signal a new 20 year cycle – as well as a larger 200 year cycle featuring the element air. I think we are truly moving into the Age of Aquarius.
How do we construct our realities through thoughts, ideas, imagination, and beliefs? What new thoughts are wanting to emerge?
In the meantime, the United States is going through its Pluto return (Pluto, ruler of the Underworld, transforms through the shadow) – change is upon us. We are really going to feel a shift when Pluto leaves Capricorn and moves into Aquarius as well (2023).
Once this pandemic calms down, fingers crossed – a renaissance.
And, try to remember, choose love over fear. Not always easy. Especially when mortality stares us in the face everyday. Hang in there!
What do you want to do with this life you have? It’s important for sure, to acknowledge and grieve (drastic) change of plans, but what can you do right now? What does your future self want from you? What would your future self say to you (20 years from now? 5 years from now? A year from now? 3 months from now?)
Thanks everyone for your generous donations, it really does help to keep us going during these lean times.
You can find us on venmo @cosmic-holly-troy or venmo @paul-james-perreault and paypal.me/sacredfolly
Much peace and love!
Holly and Paul
And here is a snippet of The Lofi Sofias rehearsal from my backyard yesterday.
The very end of “Without a Radio” – another gem written by Jessica Barnes.
Ya know that feeling when you are doing something and as you are doing it you are creating a fond memory? Yesterday already feels like a long time ago. Ready to do it all over again!
We have a gig coming up! December 13th, 5ish PM, Aztec Street
As I was writing this post, I just received notice that the yearly Christmas Luminaria in Flagstaff is happening on Sunday, December 13th, starting at 5 pm. We will be performing at that time from a garage on Aztec Street. More details to come . . .
Peace and love!
I have to get some fresh air, practice my guitar, and do some yoga. Painting resumes when my order of white paint arrives.
November 29, 2020