So much has been in my face while taking care of my mother as she is dying – it has been a lot. A lot. I haven’t had much fun or joy in since I’ve been “home” – and I’m trying to get back to nurturing those parts of my life. But, so much has fallen apart during the caregiving that I am needing to rebuild everything, from a hole.
A reframe – a hole is a good place to build a foundation.
And sometimes, the hole feels endless.
I will never get back childhood years of neglect and abuse, but I can keep loving that child self. Sometimes I get angry that I have had to and must continue to teach myself I deserve to live in joy and to thrive. Jumping back into my family dynamic has thrown me way out there – and at the same time – I know it’s giving me an opportunity to heal. But right now, I’ve had enough.
Again, I am in a huge place of “I don’t know” – and I am not thriving. I am taking everything very slowly, doing my best to take care of my body, eat well, and to breathe. I feel like I am in animated suspension – teeny movements though. Every day.
I stepped away from caregiving a few months ago – to save my own life. But I still come around for visits. I need to do that less now. I halt my momentum, my work – and it occurs to me I have to start over every time – and I dread it. I dread the mustering up the energy to be alive after those visits.
I am willing to be willing to thrive.
Since coming back to New York, I realize the abuse and neglect I experienced growing up was way worse than I used to believe. I am in the process of sitting with that consciously, what it has meant for my life, and how to move forward. I am grateful for so much, and I am also in the process of getting to the place of forgiveness. I spent most of my life not feeling any of it, and now I’m feeling it so I can move on.
This video blew my mind because every one of these traits I have experienced, and many I still grapple with. I’ve had a lot of healing, and there is way more to go.
Take good care, Be kind and gentle to yourself. And – have some fun.
Peace and Love.
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April 19, 2023
Cusp of the 29º Aries New Moon Solar Eclipse
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I am raising funds to help pay for an emergency dental procedure. Please check out my gofundme and donate and / or share. Thank you so much!
4 thoughts on “In the Middle of Dancing with the Shadows”
Feel for you. My own mother is also at the end of life, and it does stir up old childhood issues. Take care
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thank you, VJ. You take care as well. Big love.
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thank you, Timothy! ❤
That’s good you stepped away from caregiver to care for yourself. Caregivers don’t always see the toll care giving takes on them. Did you see my Blue Psalm music video I made for those of you who where abused as children? https://wp.me/p1yQyy-8Y5
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