So much has been in my face while taking care of my mother as she is dying – it has been a lot. A lot. I haven’t had much fun or joy in since I’ve been “home” – and I’m trying to get back to nurturing those parts of my life. But, so much has fallen apart during the caregiving that I am needing to rebuild everything, from a hole.

A reframe – a hole is a good place to build a foundation.

And sometimes, the hole feels endless.

I will never get back childhood years of neglect and abuse, but I can keep loving that child self. Sometimes I get angry that I have had to and must continue to teach myself I deserve to live in joy and to thrive. Jumping back into my family dynamic has thrown me way out there – and at the same time – I know it’s giving me an opportunity to heal. But right now, I’ve had enough. 

Again, I am in a huge place of “I don’t know” – and I am not thriving. I am taking everything very slowly, doing my best to take care of my body, eat well, and to breathe. I feel like I am in animated suspension – teeny movements though. Every day.

I stepped away from caregiving a few months ago – to save my own life. But I still come around for visits. I need to do that less now. I halt my momentum, my work – and it occurs to me I have to start over every time – and I dread it. I dread the mustering up the energy to be alive after those visits. 

I am willing to be willing to thrive. 

Since coming back to New York, I realize the abuse and neglect I experienced growing up was way worse than I used to believe. I am in the process of sitting with that consciously, what it has meant for my life, and how to move forward. I am grateful for so much, and I am also in the process of getting to the place of forgiveness. I spent most of my life not feeling any of it, and now I’m feeling it so I can move on. 

This video blew my mind because every one of these traits I have experienced, and many I still grapple with. I’ve had a lot of healing, and there is way more to go. 

Take good care, Be kind and gentle to yourself. And – have some fun. 

Peace and Love.

~ ~ ~ ~

April 19, 2023
Cusp of the 29º Aries New Moon Solar Eclipse
Woodstock, NY