A ramble from November 22, 2024 . . . I’m still feeling so much of this – and – my life is becoming nicely surreal.
I just read the hospice book, YOUR GRIEF JOURNEY.
I knew I was experiencing grief leading up to my mom’s death – for a few years.
Sometimes I had energy to really be there in care giving, and sometimes I felt like I was dying or that it wouldn’t matter if I died in the middle of it all.
Sometimes it felt like I was being run over by a train – day in and day out – as my physical, mental, and emotional energy was crushed.
For the last couple of years, I experienced hopelessness, exhaustion, apathy, lack of concentration, and loss of memory daily.
I felt like I was losing my life.
I did not have the energy to act on my ambitions.
My part-time work (which abruptly ended after my mom died) was a Herculean effort at times, and sometimes an escape.
Relaxing in confusion and not-knowing is a trip.
I’m amazed I had an art show in 2023.
I’m amazed I cut, sanded, and painted over 300 stars (though that was a response to helplessness – I mean – talk about arranging a universe).
A friend who lost his wife to a long illness said I was experiencing “anticipatory grief.”
2024 – and the time leading closer to my mother’s death – became more about being here. Yeah, I have many ideas about the future and the now – and finishing projects, too:
- Stars! 600 or so to go.
- Paintings on canvas.
- Paintings on cardboard.
- Open-ended music projects.
- Workshops.
- Aham Prema . . .
Now I feel like I am moving so so so slowly that the slowness is becoming a spiritual practice. Ha! How can I go even slower??
My sleep patterns are all over the place. It’s the one thing I keep trying to control (or that I am aware of trying to control).
I’m in the middle of it. That’s the thing. I’m still sporadic with action-taking. I’m still sleeping weirdly. I’m also taking care of myself:
- walking, walking, walking;
- chi gong;
- morning coffee rituals;
- small amounts of yoga;
- meditation;
- list writing – lists help me remember;
- staring at paintings;
- breathing fresh air;
- listening to music . . . ;
- allowing myself to be love(d) (thank you)
Maybe my concentration is coming back?
December 18, 2024
Hudson Valley, New York
Image: waiting for the turn of the year © Holly Troy 2024
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holly troy ~ sacred folly 
My Gods! This was so deep, and powerful and resonating. Thank you, Holly.
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Thank you, Robert. Big Capricorn hugs to you!
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Be in serenity knowing you have done all you can to be in that moment of turmoil. It is hard to love ourselves , those of us who were born so different than the Morons who want to continue their bullshit , oh if you join our group you can pretty much do what you want if you do what you are told. fuck that. I am sorry for all the Evil in this world and for all of the sadness you are experiencing, please except all the Blessings I can send to you . Good Night
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