I had to stomp out the stale energy and the madness around me before painting in my new studio.

I found the perfect song: Madness from Hits of Acid 2021 by Bomb – written by Michael W. Dean. Bomb were a San Francisco band from the 80s. (Also, check out Michael’s awesome documentary about Hubert Selby called It/ll be Better Tomorrow).

I haven’t heard music like this live, in ages.

Sometimes you have to look back to move forward. It’s so cool how art, music, and writing can be pockets of time travel. More and more that’s how I feel about everything we create. When we read or look at art or listen to music, we get to respond – in the present and across space and time. 

I am so glad I let myself let off some steam. Woke up today, so ready to work. 

For me, being embodied in my life, in my work, is essential. Getting going has been slow-going – and yet there is so much going on. I’m learning how to surf between self-care, mom-care, doing my work, making new friends and nurturing current friends (I’m isolating more than is probably good for me), and having awareness that when it comes to possibilities in personal relationships – I’m a little bit numb.

I don’t wanna be numb. 

I want to be present.

I wanna feel the space between my shoulders, my ribs, my heart. 

I’d been holding onto threads – wisps of time that were nice for a while. And then they weren’t. I had this notion I could hold on until the time got good again.

It turns out holding onto threads is exhausting.

Everything is falling apart? Let it.

Hold on too tightly and those threads begin to cut. And they snap eventually anyway. 

Ten of Swords

It is apropos that I keep drawing the tarot card, Ten of Swords. The image is of a person lying in a pool of blood with ten swords thrust into their torso. They are done. Finished. I’ve pulled the card almost daily for the last week.

Time to surrender – and get on with it!

On some levels, Ten of Swords speaks to ancestral/communal/tribal/societal/cultural patterns that we are born into and that we are tasked to break free of. A situation that is not directly our creating, but has become our responsibility to make right.

One of our responsibilities is to heal. By healing ourselves, we heal some aspect of the collective.

Another responsibility is to be ourselves – not who we think we should be. We are supposed to evolve.

Another responsibility, maybe most importantly, and which can be most difficult when we feel crushed – remain curious. 

Our individual experience is valuable for ourselves and the evolution of the collective consciousness. So many of the difficulties from the last year – and even right now –  beg this question:

By totally accepting defeat, what are you now free to do? 

I’m disappearing to New Mexico next week, taking a long-awaited retreat. Just as my energy to get to work is returning – but I believe what I am going to learn while I am away is going to be beneficial for all the amazing work ahead.

Sustain the energy, ambition, strength, and joy. Ride with the ebb and flow of it, but stay on that surf board. 

I choose to be curious!

When I return, I shall resume so many projects. I think I have figured out how to dance with all the work and not get hung up when I put one thing down to do another thing. (I say that now – ha). 

These are my current (and future) projects:

Painting (current)

Star Chakra Collection (big project – summer)

The Werewolves of Brooklyn – songwriting and recording an album (hopefully the album by the fall)

Writing the Energetic Body (mid-summer release / early fall release)

Patreon – been exploring this option for some time

Tarot videos – Astro Luna Tarot

Aham Prema – ongoing 

Insight Timer Meditation Teacher – taking the steps

Regular character on the Spelcast Podcast

Artist’s Model

Various other things – but, too much is nothing at all. Choosing my top three (ok, five) things for now and progressing from there. Luckily, so many of my projects combine well. 

What are you up to? How are you balancing your tasks and life experience? Is there anything that needs healing before you can move forward? Can you just let go?

Peace!

April 19, 2022
Elizaville, NY