Making Maps as I Go, Again
I am still figuring out how to manage my time, and to deal with self-doubt and fear. All I know about getting from A to Z is putting one foot in front of the other, and when I get too heady about it, my feet get stuck.
Yesterday, I just wanted to chuck it all in, but I can’t and I won’t. I frittered away the morning watching the news and then worrying about how I was going to finish everything I needed to finish this week, and how I was going to make enough money to eat and pay rent next month.
At least I worked out while fucking with my own head.
Around the afternoon, I practiced my guitar for a couple of hours – doing my lesson and playing along with a recording of my last band rehearsal. That started to feel better.
Just doing the creative work feels better!
Grief kind of knocked me down for a bit, too. My step-brother passed away last week – and, ouch. Fuck – I am not ready to say more. In a way, mourning inspires me to move forward toward a life of my own invention – death is a reminder that we have no idea how much time we have. Some of this fear/paralysis I can honestly attribute to that, and in the end, creative action is the cure.
Last night, I was saved by a show with the Lofi Sofias. Practicing guitar pulled me out of my own bullshit, and then the show itself turned everything around. I had fun, the band had fun, and the crowd had fun. And we shared our appreciation for music, art, and self-expression with the audience. Gratitude was part of our between song banter.
I am so grateful for the awesome and talented women in my band – and for the joy our music is bringing our community.
This video popped up in my recommended feed this morning, and it is just what I needed to see. Dr Ken Atchity talks about doing your creative work – just doing it (and perhaps letting go of the safe route) – and how sometimes you will do things (like leave your tenured position) that other people won’t understand or appreciate. Heck, you might even lose people you thought were your friends.
In September I quit my day job – a situation (and the overall vibe at the university) became abusive, and, coupled with not being paid enough for the work I was doing, I decided it was time to do my own thing. I had a plan, and it seemed like the only way for it to work for me was to just dive in.
And so here I am. A lot of projects spinning all at once, feeling a little bit over my head, and also having an awareness that the projects all feed one another. That is the way things work best for me.
These last few months I have been painting, making music, designing workshops and classes, modeling, and reading tarot cards and making tarot videos. Most of the work is in stages where money has not been the focus, but now, I am in a place were I need to put the ideas out there and make some money, or, get a new day job.
So much feels future-oriented, but soon the future will be now. I also know that writing my ideas and actions out help me to feel grounded and to sort through the chaos.
This is what is actively happening:
- The Lofi Sofias are playing on Thursday night (December 12) at Flagstaff Brewing Company. It will be our last show with our current line up. Our amazing drummer, Gina Purri is moving to Philadelphia for better financial opportunities. I will miss her. She has become a dear friend. I think I am feeling real grief over losing her physical, almost daily, presence in my life.
- I feel more determined than ever to be able to travel so that I can see her and other important people in my life. Flagstaff is a beautiful place but is also like a remote island – an expensive remote island that is hard to leave due to lack of finances.
- I have a show Friday night singing with The Conduits at Vino Loco. I am anxious about the amount of time we will likely practice on Wednesday night since our show is three hours long. I will need to make a boundary with my time.
- Beginning tomorrow or Thursday, I will be filming my January installment of Astro Luna Tarot videos. The recording process is very involved and takes several days to do – though, after a couple of months of doing them, I am dialing in the format for the videos.
- I need to shop my workshops now, Astro Luna Yoga and Remembering Your Future, so I can launch them in January.
- Working on the fifth out of ten paintings for a show at the High Country Conference Center in Flagstaff coming up in March. I am meeting with the curator tomorrow to look at the space and to discuss the terms of the show.
Meanwhile, the two feet of snow snow that came on Thanksgiving is almost all melted. So much has happened since then.
There are other things spinning, but a little further down the line: A complete overhaul and re-filming (with a real film-maker) of Writing the Energetic Body, some other music and recording projects, Aha Exchange, animation projects, taking an astrology retreat with Rick Levine in July, travel with music and classes, and of course more yoga and mountain biking.
OK! I think I’ve talked myself out of the day job! Gonna get to some painting right now.
Peace and love!
December 10, 2019, Flagstaff, AZ