Over the last few days, I’ve been writing an article about my upcoming class, Co-Creating with the Cosmos. Writing the article has me looking at the influence of astrology in my life. Some of the clearest benefits for me has been in the embodiment and expression of emotions, understanding and compassion for myself and humanity, and affirmation that we are all connected.
In my twenties, I began researching moon cycles in particular. This dance with the moon has been personally empowering, and a gateway to understanding myself, culture, and larger cosmic cycles.
One of the clearest gifts I have received from twenty-five-plus years of lunar focus is the depth in which I am able to be grounded in self-expression. I am still learning, still going deeper – through astrology, yoga, writing, art and music making, being in nature, relating and connecting with others, meditation, and teaching.
I’ve been aware of my propensity to dissociate since I was young. I knew I grew up in an abusive situation, and continued to relive abuse in my relationships as an adult. I was distrusting of my own feelings and vulnerability – and I still need space and time alone to check in with myself.
It wasn’t until the last couple of years that I came to terms with how severe the abuse was – partly through an astrological cycle called the Chiron return – and partly because I took a deep look at beliefs and behaviors that had been keeping me from the life and love I longed for. I took on the task of changing those beliefs and behaviors. So much healing has happened for me, and I know there is much more to go. I am trusting and enjoying the dance of not-knowing, possibility, and new experiences.
I had to imagine and step into the unknown to move into a happier, more creative, more embodied, sustainable life. I knew exactly what I wanted when I was a child, and I couldn’t wait to be an adult so I could “get away” and be all that I could be. Thing was, in the meantime, I came up with coping mechanisms that at once kept me safe, and also kept me small.
So here I am, growing and learning how to live, day by day, experiencing and allowing small miracles to shape my life. I am grateful for my experiences, and curious to see what this constant unfolding reveals.
I wrote the poem below when I was in my mid-twenties (mid-1990s). I had a very hard time expressing uncomfortable emotions. If I sensed any danger, I had the distinct feeling of hands closing over my throat, shutting off my ability to speak. In moments of overwhelm, anxiety, embarrassment or humiliation, I would just take off, leave my body, often watching the situation from above or behind.
Writing was a way to help me anchor back in to myself. This poem describes me observing myself having an out-of-body experience while walking down Avenue A in the East Village, New York City.
I am a far more grounded and down-to-earth person today.
Where Asteroids Come From
as I walked
I found myself
lifting off, floating in
A piece of ham, a tad of T-bone.
A heart-ache, a tooth-ache