Life is change. Constantly. That feeling of being in the “not-knowing” ramped up at the beginning of 2020, and, it’s still happening. I choose to believe everything is working out (everything is working out) for the best – even when the stuff that is happening is difficult. Worry is a waste of time and energy. 

On top of global change that we are all experiencing – personally – the change in my life since June 2021 is significant.  I broke up from a major relationship, left (all) my band(s), moved from the southwest to New York City, to the Hudson Valley, to Brooklyn, to Arizona and back to the Hudson Valley. I’ve moved twice in the valley since 2024 and will need to find another place to be again.

All the moves are unsettling. I keep feeling like I am going to be able to surf the waves of housing insecurity with ease and grace – and – sometimes I do. Wow. Sometimes I do. 

I am also trying to slow down and notice my feelings and responses to things. Sometimes it’s boring as hell, sometimes it’s fascinating. Mostly I am surprised the day is over when the day is over.

Since November 2021,the underlying focus is preparing for my mom to die, and being there for her as best I can. There is so much energy leading up to the point of death. Dying is natural, and not easy. It’s a tricky balance with my mom, my family. While caregiving I felt I could not give enough, so I gave more than I could afford. I learned over-giving is dangerous and costly. I was too exhausted to create, and I was angry and frustrated and sad (at times suicidal).

Right now, I am here. I am alive. I am sober. I am making again.

And always, getting outside.

I finally figured out that I had to work out my limits and set my boundaries. I’m still figuring out my limits, but I am much better at saying “no” before I am utterly depleted. And guess what? Now, when I spend time with my mom, I am present, and kind, and loving – I can even tell jokes that bring my mom (and my aunt) out of the pits of despair.

There is laughter and light and gratitude in the house these days.

I spent three weeks in Flagstaff, Arizona in April 2024. At first, I didn’t want to go – it seemed like I had to be on the east coast to “handle” difficult things. It turned out the best thing for me was to get away to the southwest and let go of the stuff here in New York.

It’s almost summer now. Since the spring, this has happened:

• Mom said she was ready to die. Heather, my dead sister, has been visiting her often. Hospice says she is getting close. I said “good-bye” to my mom before going to Arizona. 
• My sister Laura and Aunt Penny have made arrangements for my mother’s passing – we discussed the “what next” at Easter.
• I moved into where I am living now for the summer.
• I spent most of my time with my lifelong friends, Anthony and Stephanie while in Flagstaff. They went to see the eclipse, I took care of their house and their kitties.
• Qi Gong practice with my friend and teacher Shannon McMurry at Whole Hearted Healing Center four days a week was profound. I practice on my own every day now.
• Singing and playing harmonica for Paul Perreault’s upcoming Planet Sandwich album was right and good. 
• Painting!
• Hiking in the pines!
• Hugging trees!
• Working with Cindy Brody, Animal Communicator.
• Co-teaching a class with Cindy Brody.
• Mountain bike riding.
• Letting go of a lot of things I don’t need to carry anymore during a personal three day Solar Eclipse ritual.
• Focusing on loving myself, period.
• Becoming lighter in spirit and heart.
• Acting class! Going from being “not an actress” to “an inexperienced actress”.
• Reviewing my Star Project! 
• I have developed a whiteboard practice that helps me plan my actions and continue to move forward through the changes in my outside circumstances. Regular weekly sessions with an artist friend reviewing our whiteboards and cheering one another on is the best!

I’m choosing to move forward with a sense of curiosity, play, connectedness, and love. Everyday a miracle. Even when things aren’t easy, I can choose how I will respond. And when I react, that’s a thing for me to explore – What’s that all about? Can I be kind?

The eternal question: What would love do?

Peace!

Holly

June 6, 2024
New Moon Gemini 16°17’
Hudson Valley, NY