Three weeks after my Mom’s death

Whenever I think of my mom – this is how I see her in my mind’s eye. Circa 1970s.

She passed on the Libra New Moon Solar Eclipse – 20 days ago. So much has happened in three weeks, I’m resisting the urge to “catch up” and take myself out of the present moment.

And – there is so much to do, and so much being. So much understanding that I will never be here again. No rush – and yet – the days are flying by so quickly.

Recalibrating responsibility, ability, meaning, desire . . .

Time is taking time. Or in time. Senses open. Noticing new sounds especially. Light. Colors. It’s a lot to take in. Life.

Relearning how to be.

No rushing through it.

Responding rather than reacting.

I am aware I’ve been thinking about this question for a while – how do I want to live?

Waning into the New Moon in Scorpio

I’ve been thinking about the people who are in my life.

I am grateful for people giving me the space to breathe and get grounded. I am grateful for spaciousness and the physical, mental, and emotional support from my immediate friends – and my friends from afar.

I am so grateful for the laughter.

I am grateful for the love.

I am grateful to be sober.

I am grateful for letting go.

So much letting go.

Painful clarity, too. Some folks are leaving. I’m done with jealousies, projections and objectification. I’ve shrugged this abuse off for my whole life – pretending it doesn’t happen. Not anymore – not when it affects my livelihood, my health, my ability to make art, have a home, be safe . . .

I won’t have it, I won’t negotiate with it, I am through with it.

I’m done with guarding, shrinking, bending, jumping for anyone who doesn’t have regard for me.

Big big letting go.

It’s a relief to let that go.

Last night a friend told me when his father died it was like losing the Sun. Something that was always there was gone.

The constellation has changed. The direction changes because the direction changes.

It’s time to turn toward a new star.

~ ~ ~ ~

October 28, 2024
Hudson Valley, New York

images:

photographer unknown – Mom, circa 1970s

grassy gold © Holly Troy 10.2024