I was originally inspired to do this by Austin Kleon’s list from 2018.

So much change happened in 2023, and also a feeling of so much stuckness – that I lived much of 2023 in a daze. I often felt like I was snapped back-and-forth like a bouncy ball tied to a paddle. My bandwidth was narrow and I crammed a lot in. I came to Arizona for the last couple of months of the year, and oh, my heart is broken wide.

I gave myself away – too often. I went against my own preferences and desires – too often – it’s a thing I do (have done) that I am not willing to do anymore. I see my actions clearly from the vantage point of being in the middle of nowhere with nowhere to go until it’s time to go and it is an uncomfortable sensation.

I am learning how to feel and how to be true to myself. I’m learning how to honor my deep sensitivity to all my senses – I’m in this body for a reason and I get to pay attention to and act on what I am experiencing. Biggest lesson: No more ignoring myself, even if it’s inconvenient or seems rude to others. I have hurt myself too long being polite and pleasing.

I’m feeling. I’m feeling.

2024 feels like it’s about bigger possibilities, expansion, getting my feet on the ground and moving toward what I want and need. I feel the slow movements of 2023 are about to pick up speed. I’ve raised the bar on what I am willing to tolerate and I am excited to be where I’m going!

Here’s the list:

1. Allowing myself to relish living in Brooklyn, alone, knowing that I would look back and say – “That was a special time.”
2. Singing songs with Richard Dev Greene.
3. Having my second bout of Covid for the New Year. I stayed in bed for almost two weeks. Chinese New Year of the Rabbit became my new year. I refused to give up my plans for 2023 because of it’s sickly beginning.
4. Realizing I am building a universe with my star paintings.
5. Knowing I have no choice but to continue on with the long star painting project despite of and because of these realities:
   – I’m afraid of starving in the meantime.
   – My feet, my knees, my shoulders hurt.
   – I knew I had to trick myself to start.
   – I am grateful.
   – I cried because this is all I can do and I have to trust despite being afraid.
   – I can do this.
   – I am doing this.
6. Learning how to cook with curry. With food being very expensive, I’ve been using spices to make cheap (inexpensive) dull meals exiting.
7. “Consciousness means we’ve run out of excuses.” -Caroline Myss
8. Practicing Carolyn (Elliot) Lovewell’s “Deepest Fears Inventory” with a friend.
9. “Enough.”
10. “No.”
11. Paying attention to my nervous system and saying “no” even though I had dreamed of saying “yes.”
12. Admitting that sometimes I feel crushed by the world.
13. Mark Bolan, spirit guide.
14. Parvathy Baul, spirit guide.
15. Walking around New York City like I was seeing it for the first time.
16. Allowing myself to have fun making music with Kit Krash, learning new chords, and dreaming of what the Werewolves of Brooklyn could be (but will probably never be, and accepting it).
17. Scheduling time for art making every day – at least two hours a day while I had my place in Brooklyn. Getting into a groove with art making. The work begets the work!
18. Going slow – Space and time – I need a lot of space and time cushion.
19. Spending a lot of time walking around Brooklyn looking and collecting images.
20. Being an artist is revolutionary.
21. Meditating on the past and the future just beyond either end of my lifetime – based on the Aries/Libra eclipse cycles.
22. Surrendering into the love and care my friends have for me.
23. Loving my child self.
24. Dancing with my shadow self.
25. Being light. Being lightness. Bending light to color.
26. Asking for financial help when I had an overwhelmingly expensive dental emergency and useless dental insurance. I was very moved by people’s generosity and kindness, and it brought me closer to some of my friends. People donated, I opened up some of my pet sitting, I sold art, and I did some tarot readings. I also learned that when I can only donate $5 to a friend, even though it’s only $5, it can mean so much.
27. Lach had asked his artist friends if they would be willing to make art for his songs as they came out on bandcamp – I wanted to and it was taking me forever to come up with something. We used my painting Buddha Beach for his song, Maybe Never Means Never Anymore.
28. Acknowledging and celebrating my curiosity.
29. Admitting my grief over my mom – and my physical and emotional inability to continue being her main caregiver.
30. Feeling hope and a willingness to be willing to trust.
31. Looking back and learning from my young adult self.
32. Giving myself a break for not learning how to play guitar in my 20s. I accepted my decision it was better for me to hone my vocal skills.
33. Expecting and noticing miracles everyday.
34. Even though I don’t have a solid place to live yet, I’ve accepted the east coast/New York is my home. I have solid community here (even though I still tend to isolate). I love the creative and intellectual stimulation – music, art, writing! And I have a history in the city where I was an active performer and artist and writer – and that feels right to me.
35. Making friends with rad women who are all about lifting other women up.
36. I love being around other creative people.
37. Elevating my oil on cardboard style of painting from something very rough and quick, to something more smooth and classical. The paintings are still abstract, but rather than drawing with oil sticks, I’ve been painting with a brush. It shifted how I am looking at art on every level.
38. In dating, I learned a lot of new non negotiable issues that I did not think would ever be a thing because they are so basic. I learned that there is no non negotiable that is too small – if it doesn’t work, it will become huge. If I turn my back on my non negotiables, I turn my back on myself.
39. That apartment in Brooklyn was amazing. I was often lonely, but oh, what a special place for me to heal and grow.
40. Letting the reigns go and letting people help.
41. The Summer of Love show with Paul Kostabi and Duane Lauginiger at the Kingston Pop Museum. I had no paintings when I said “yes” to an art show at The Kingston Pop Museum. I had two weeks to make enough work to fill a wall – and I did it. I created a series of cardboard pieces that changed the way I work.
42. Enjoying sultry summer humidity.
43. Not getting too freaked out about the stop and go of my schedule.
44. Bringing my focus back to love intentionally. Looking at life through the lens of love.
45. Saying “thank you” to the Universe every morning when I wake up.
46. Letting grief move through me. Again, slowing down and I’m finally feeling it. I was so guarded with caring for my mom, I wasn’t processing. Finally, I felt the loss of the life I had built in Arizona. It fell apart before I moved back to New York, but it took over a year to realize I was grieving it. It was like I had skipped over a step – but once I saw it, I got clarity.
47. Making an amends to my mom.
48. Making an amends to my child self.
49. Paying attention to repulsion.
50. Paying attention to desire.
51. What am I doing?  What am I gonna do? Can I do it with compassion? Wonder? Curiosity? Kindness?
52. What if the life I am living at this very moment is the life my Divine Self wants to experience?
53. What if I remember my experience, my circumstance, my goals, my body, are not the Self, but the Divine Self experiencing reality as the Self?
54. What if I remember everything is Divine, including Death?
55. Can I have the courage to be curious?
56. What would love do in this moment?
57. Meditating on Death.
58. Spending two months in Arizona solidified for me that my community and home is back in New York – even though I don’t have a place to live there yet.
59. Really feeling how isolation is just plain bad for me.
60. Swimming at Colgate Lake with two of my best friends, sharing stories and laughter and BBQ – and feeling like the luckiest person alive!
61. Being part of a family of my choosing.
62. Deciding to switch my sport from Mountain Biking to Stand Up Paddle Boarding. I love water so much! Trusting – and the gear is starting to show up.
63. Concluding being an HSP (and very sensitive to smell and textures) has saved my life in numerous sketchy situations. Sensitivity is a super power.
64. Hygiene is a super power.
65. Power Abs workouts with “Fittest American Woman” Kari Pearce – whoa! These workouts are intense and pretty amazing!
66. Throwing grief, anger, frustration, romantic notions about death, resentment, mean self-talk, isolation, and inertia into the Solstice Fire.
67. Letting go of the guy who checked all the boxes, and yet, didn’t feel right.
68. We Loved the World but could not Stay – Gary Lippman. Gary has a way of making me laugh and cry – and for having big compassion for the messiness that is humanity.
69. Archery in the UK: New Lyrical Ballads and other Poems, Nick Reeves & Ingrid Wilson. This book made me believe in love again.
70. Stopping participating in transactional love relationships.
71. I choose love.
72. Broken heart.
73. Creative community!
74. Loving community!
75. Being surrounded by women friends.
76. Dancing every day no matter what. (Thank you Mama Gena for that reminder)!
77. Working for Cindy Brody – energetic healer, animal communicator, and reiki master/teacher
78. Art making is essential for my life.
79. Taking the time to do ritual with other women at the Turning of the Wheel times. Winter Solstice was especially powerful.
80. Truly having love and compassion for my young self – and all the life navigation she managed on her own.
81. Compassion.
82. Trust.
83. Accepting that I have been sad for quite a while – which is one of the reasons I celebrate joy!
84. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway – over and over and over again.
85. Embracing tarot as creative collaboration between my clients, myself, intuition, and the entity born out of our connection.
86. Enjoying the sound of rain.
87. Tangible work! I love being able to hold art in my hands, and to create art you can hold.
88. Creatives Rebuild New York gave me the grace and breathing room to be able to explore my art with their generous gift.
89. Continuing to make videos of my creative process – it really helps me understand my thinking/intuition behind the urge to make art.
90. Color immersion!
91. Sanding a lot of wood.
92. Dance before paint!
93. Falling in love with the Hudson Valley New York!
94. Going to art galleries and finding some good art out there!
95. Photographing my visits with Mom.
96. Willing to be willing to see the world in new ways.
97. Grateful, really grateful, for all my walking in the city.
98. I made an amends with my mama.
99. Noticing sometimes light seems more solid than matter.
100. Geordie Numata’s Deer Spirit Reiki Circle!
101. BONUS: Seeing Eddie Izzard at the Beacon Theatre and knowing, truly knowing, I was home.

What made you grow in 2023?

Lots of love and joy and play and compassion always! Feeling it all – being in the sensations of whatever is your experience.

Peace, Beauty and Love ~

Holly

January 2, 2023
Flagstaff, AZ