I slept in today. Shut my alarm off and slept for another two hours. My late sister Heather had a cameo in my morning dreams. 

My life is getting back to normal – which is to say – I have no idea what is next. For the first time in years I feel like I am ready to step into my life more deeply. That feeling is both scary and exhilarating.

I’m asking myself:

• What do I want?
• What do I enjoy about my life?
• What are the small practices I do that are gaining momentum?
• What am I committing to?
• What am I letting go?
• What feels possible/impossible?
• Who am I? Who have I become?
• What am I afraid of?
• What would I do if I had five percent more courage? Energy? Stamina? Creativity? Love?

It has been eight months since my mom died. I’m not in the dark house where I was living when she died. I’m in a bright place. I can see the horizon. My bones are happy for the light.

The first time I taught I am Divine Love: A Playful Affirmation of the True Nature of Self was about a week after her death. I’m sorting through my writing and my notes for the class – looking back at that time. I found this poem (accidentally) written by my little sister.

Becoming

I wanted to tell mom that
we’re going to be OK
she can
go.
She doesn’t need to be
here
to take care of us
anymore.
Wanted to tell her
she needs to go ahead
and be free
and always
visit us anytime.
We will see her
soon, but I don’t know how
to say that to her without falling
apart,
I don’t wanna fall apart
in front of her
because that is
what is making her
hang on.
She doesn’t want to see any
of us
fall apart.
You know how she is.
She has to take
care of
everything.
Keep the peace
you know. I just know
it’s time
for her
to be free
to fly
to become the light
that she sees.
It’s time for her to be
one of those orbs
she sees
floating
around.
I told her to
come
and turn the lights on and
off
at my house —
scare the shit out of me!
It’s time for her to
become
part of the universe
become
part of the positive
energy
that this world needs
so bad right now.

— Text from Sissy

September 25th, 2024
Hudson Valley, New York

~ ~ ~ 

So much has happened since then – slowly, indelibly. 

June 2, 2025
Flagstaff, Arizona

image: green man © Holly Troy 9.2024